Spock and Chapel Canon Series
by Djinn1
Summary: Older story. This was my first attempt at Spock and Chapel. An ambitious series of stories that goes from ST:TMP to after ST:VI. Formatting problems in first section have been fixed.
1. Part 1 Negotiations

DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2000 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG.  
  
Negotiations by Djinn  
  
The reception was in full swing by the time Spock beamed down to the planet. Making his way through Buraskii merrymakers, he searched the crowd for the members of his delegation. Among the colorful and elaborate robes worn by the Buraskii he could pick out the more sedate dress uniforms of the Federation contingent. He made his way to those nearest him.  
  
"Mr. Spock, thank goodness you've arrived." McCoy motioned him closer. "The Buraskii chief healer has been asking for you. She has some additional questions for you about whatever it was she cornered you on the last time."  
  
Spock ignored the doctor's ribbing. He knew McCoy enjoyed seeing him interact with the smitten alien. He treated Dotura with courtesy but avoided being alone with her whenever possible. He had to play this delicately, though. He could not afford to offend her, not when she was a key player in getting approval for the trade agreement. An agreement that could be the first step toward Federation membership. Fortunately, Dotura, who made no attempt to hide her interest in him, was easily distracted by the opportunity to interact with her Federation counterparts. A fact he used frequently to effect graceful escapes.  
  
The Buraskii were a highly advanced race. They had been aware of the Federation for some time, and medical representatives traveled offworld frequently. The culture valued healers highly, and there were a vast number of them on Burask. The Buraskii healers had studied other species as well as their own and were often found offworld, working on plague worlds, investigating epidemics. They could always be found wherever there was suffering. And, as healers, they enjoyed a neutrality that allowed them to move freely through most of the worlds in the quadrant.  
  
In the weeks that Spock's delegation had been working with the Buraskii, he had learned much of the planet and its people. They valued logic as much as empathy. It was a fascinating dichotomy to him. To a person, every Buraskii he had interacted with was highly analytical, extremely precise in speech, and at first glance reserved in manner. Yet at the same time, he could sense an undercurrent of high emotion, an energy that emanated from each of them. When speaking of medical matters, the conversations, though highly technical, were also marked by a certain passion. The speakers often became animated as the conversation went on and used touch to emphasize their points. Spock found himself envying those he interacted with for the ease with which they blended the different aspects of their personality. It was something he continued to struggle with, even after many years.  
  
Spock had insisted that the delegation consist of senior medical personnel. Starfleet had agreed, sending twenty of their best researchers and specialists from a variety of Federation medical schools. He was gratified to observe frequent interaction between the Buraskii and his people. Interactions characterized by a high level of professional excitement as the healers exchanged ideas, theories, and favorite treatments and cures. There was little of the awkwardness generally present at diplomatic exchanges. When this mission was over, he would have to send a memo commending Starfleet on its selections.  
  
He looked out over the crowds again, trying to pinpoint Dotura's location. She was off near where the orchestra would eventually play, engaged in an intense conversation with one of his researchers. He turned back to McCoy. "The Chief Healer seems quite fascinated by Dr. Zarthakh. I believe I am safe for now, Doctor."  
  
A quietly amused voice joined the conversation, "Safe from what?"  
  
Spock felt an illogical pang of emotion as he turned to look at the newcomer. "Dr. Chapel, how is the evening progressing?"  
  
"You didn't answer the question, and fine." Christine smiled back at Spock.  
  
He had not expected her to be included in the delegation, had not seen her for some time. He had even felt some trepidation when he saw her name on the list. But since she arrived he had realized he had underestimated both her professional knowledge and her interpersonal skills. Her medical knowledge, both research and applied, made her a welcome addition to any exchange. And she had won the Buraskii over with her charm and quiet manner.  
  
Christine had been invited for private dinners to many of her counterpart's homes. Spock had accompanied her on several of these visits and was impressed with how easily she fit into the new environment. Despite being one of the junior members of the team, she had become Spock's de facto deputy, often bringing him vital pieces of information that she had garnered through her personal contacts.  
  
"The general mood is excellent. The healers are very excited about having a permanent cultural exchange with us once the agreement is signed. And they do expect the agreement to be signed. Dotura has been championing it to the High Council, and no glitches are expected." She scanned the crowd for a moment. "I see the Chief Healer has abandoned you for Dr. Zarthakh."  
  
"So it would seem." Spock ignored McCoy's snort. "Have you eaten yet, Doctor?"  
  
McCoy started to answer and Spock stopped him with a look. "Since you are holding a plate of remnants, Doctor, it is obvious you have eaten. I was addressing Dr. Chapel."  
  
McCoy just laughed, "Didn't want to eat with you anyway, Spock. I've got a date with a certain touch therapist. Don't wait up for me."  
  
As McCoy left them, Spock inclined his head. "Shall we?" When Christine smiled in assent, he felt a surge of satisfaction as well as another emotion, harder to categorize. He analyzed the feeling for a moment and identified it as anticipation.  
  
*********************************************  
  
Spock led the way to the buffet table that had been set out near the gardens. As he and Christine maneuvered through the crowd, he caught the eye of McCoy, who was sitting quite close to an attractive Buraskii. Spock ignored the wink McCoy threw at him but he heard Christine chuckle behind him. A few steps later they passed Dotura and Zarthakh also sitting very close. As he continued on, he turned to speak to Christine and caught the end of Dotura's wink to her. Turning back around he resisted the impulse to comment and heard Christine chuckle again.  
  
At the buffet they filled their plates with Buraskii and Federation delicacies. It was apparent that their hosts were trying to make all feel welcome. Christine stopped at the beverage table to get a glass of the local specialty. "Do you want some latha, Spock," she asked innocently. Spock surprised her and himself by saying yes. They had served the drink at several dinners, and while it was delicious it was also quite potent. He had limited himself to just a few sips but now decided to take one of the very large formal glasses. He glanced at the tables nearest to them; most were filled with people obviously having a very good and loud time. Out in the gardens there were other tables set up in a way to encourage quieter-- Spock avoided thinking the word intimate--discussion. He could tell Christine was surprised when he led her to one of these tables.  
  
"Spock, you're the head of our delegation, shouldn't you be mingling? Out there, I mean. With the rest of the people?"  
  
"Would you prefer that arrangement to this?" he asked quite seriously. He had picked a table near a small fountain under one of the many Buraskii trees. Small white flowers fragranced the whole area. Spock tasted his latha. "I do not believe we have really talked in some time."  
  
Christine laughed and then cut it short when he looked offended. "I'm sorry, Spock, but I don't believe we've ever really talked at all." She gave him a gentle smile to soften the words.  
  
"No, I suppose we have not. That, I have come to see, is my great loss." Spock could see her react to his words, surprise written on her face. Then she smiled again, the serene and confident smile she seemed to wear so often now. A smile he realized that he had come to treasure. "You have changed since we last served together."  
  
"You mean other than the hair color," she joked.  
  
"Yes," he agreed. Then he looked at her with some concern, "Is it required to comment on your hair? Human females appear to value such discussion?"  
  
"We don't have to discuss my hair color, Spock. And you're right, I have changed, I think."  
  
"You appear to have found peace?"  
  
"I have, ever since I returned to Earth, got back into medical research. It was always what I wanted to do. From the time I was little, I dreamed of being in medicine. When the kids all played doctor, well I really was...playing doctor." She laughed at his puzzled look. "Trust me when I say that explaining that would be a long story."  
  
"We appear to have plenty of time," Spock offered.  
  
"Ask McCoy sometime how he *played doctor* when he was young. I'm sure you will find it fascinating. What I was getting at was that I had always had this goal to be a doctor, and in school I discovered how much I loved research. I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was practically finished when Roger was lost. I didn't stop to think. I went over to Starfleet, qualified for a nursing position, and set out to find him. And I nearly lost myself in the process. I can't regret the time I spent on the Enterprise, because I learned so much in the way of practical experience. But nursing didn't challenge me, and I was bored. I couldn't find the satisfaction I needed in my work so I threw myself at you. I've never actually told you how much I regret making you uncomfortable all those years. I'm sorry that I tried to press my feeling on you."  
  
"So you no longer have those feelings?" The words were out before he could call them back. They stared at each other for a moment, lost in the uncomfortable sensation of arriving somewhere that neither had intended to go. A familiar laugh jolted them both back to reality. Spock looked around nervously for Dotura, but though he could hear her, she was not in view.  
  
"You can relax about her, you know," Christine assured him. At his confused look, she continued. "Spock, she's been having a torrid affair with Zarthakh practically since we arrived. She only pretended to be interested in you." She saw that she was not convincing him. "She was afraid that you would send him away. That you would disapprove. So she diverted your attention by pretending to be interested in you. And I think she enjoyed seeing you squirm. She is quite devious in case you didn't realize."  
  
"Why would she think I would disapprove? And how do you know all of this?"  
  
"Dotura and I have become quite good friends. She told me about her relationship with Zarthakh many weeks ago. But she wanted me to keep it from you. To those who don't know you, you are rather...well...stiff. Forbidding. Disapproving."  
  
He was surprised to find himself irritated with this assessment. "And you, do you find me disapproving?"  
  
"Spock, I saw you right after you dropped out of the Kolinahr school, remember? You're like a teddy bear compared to that."  
  
"That is an evasive answer. Do you think me cold?"  
  
Christine was saved from answering by the breathless arrival of Dotura. She was laughing as she ran up to her friend and whispered something in her ear that made Christine grin. Dotura looked over at Spock's unamused look and said coyly, "Ah, the delegation head is annoyed with me? Will you not forgive me my little deception?"  
  
"I doubt that I have much choice, chief healer. I do need your assistance to get the trade agreement signed."  
  
Dotura pouted and leaned over to Christine, "The dancing is just starting and I expect to see you out there! If *he* won't dance, find someone else. I happen to know there are several nice Buraskii doctors that would love to spend more time with you." Gathering up her dignity and with a final "hmmppff" of faux disdain, Dotura went back to the party.  
  
"She is quite dramatic," Spock observed.  
  
Christine laughed in agreement. "She means no harm, Spock. She's had a lot of latha and she is drowning in her own happiness. Ignore her."  
  
"I believe that would be the prudent thing to do. But something she said is I think you would say bothering me." Spock leaned forward, capturing Christine's gaze with his.  
  
She tried to look away and failed. "What would that be," she asked quietly.  
  
Spock leaned in, "She said that there were many men waiting to dance with you. I disapprove of that."  
  
Christine couldn't hide her surprise, "Why?"  
  
Spock slid out of his chair and stood over her. "Because I intended to dance with you."  
  
She sat stunned until he reached out to her to help her up. "You want to dance with me?"  
  
His eyebrow rose quizzically. "I believe that is what I said, Doctor."  
  
"Call me Christine."  
  
He nodded. "Christine, will you dance with me?"  
  
She suddenly smiled at him, a smile he felt in every part of his body. "Yes, Spock, I'll dance with you."  
  
He pressed on, "All night?"  
  
She swallowed, "Every dance?"  
  
He found himself intensely interested in her answer. "Unless you wish to sit some out?"  
  
"Oh," she was stunned. "Well, yes, that would be an acceptable arrangement."  
  
"Excellent," he said, as he led her off to join the rest of the dancers.  
  
******************************************************  
  
Spock and Christine had barely started dancing, when the music stopped. A man made his way up to the orchestra dais and they recognized the head of the High Council. "Esteemed ones, honored guests, I have an announcement to make." A hush fell over the crowd. "It is with great pleasure that I can say that the council unanimously approved the trade agreement with the Federation. If it is agreeable to the head of the Federation delegation, I would like to sign the agreement now, before too much more latha has been enjoyed."  
  
The crowd laughed at this, and Spock went to join him on stage. "Today is a historic day," the councilman said as he approved the agreement on the pad.  
  
Spock added his approval and said, "Indeed a great day for both our people." The crowd erupted into applause.  
  
Making his way back to Christine, Spock passed by Dotura. She stopped him with a gentle touch. "Thank you for all that you have done for us, Spock." He bowed his head in reply. Dotura smiled back, "I won't keep you, someone is waiting."  
  
"Wait a cotton-pickin' minute, Spock." McCoy came from the crowd to stand in front of Spock. "I think you could spend a little bit of time showing just one iota of appreciation for the work that we've done, especially Christine. Not every one is an unemotional, green-blooded, what?" he trailed off as Dotura frantically tried to stop his diatribe.  
  
"Spock was just leaving, he was dancing..." she looked at him meaningfully.  
  
"Spock. Was dancing. With someone? Spock?"  
  
"Yes," Dotura replied with a menacing glance, "and I'm sure he wants to get back to his partner." She practically pulled McCoy off his feet in her haste to get him away from Spock. He turned around a moment later and saw Spock make his way to Christine. They started dancing.  
  
"Well, I'll be damned," he smiled broadly. Seeing his date watching him fondly, he walked over to her. "My dear, I have just seen something that I've been hoping to see for some time. I think this calls for a drink, preferably a couple, and preferably in private. Do you have any ideas?" He laughed as she snagged a bottle of latha from a passing waiter and dragged him off to her quarters.  
  
Spock was feeling ambivalent about the finalization of the trade agreement. He was gratified that they had arrived at a mutually satisfying resolution, but found himself sorry that the negotiations were over. As he danced with Christine, he realized that he might not see her again for some time. And he realized that this thought made him unhappy. "Christine, I want to express my gratitude for all you have done. You were instrumental in the success of this mission."  
  
"I enjoyed it here, Spock. Everything about this mission has been satisfying."  
  
"Yes, satisfying." He could not ignore how it felt to hold Christine in his arms. How it would feel not to have her near. "You will return to Starbase 14 with the others tomorrow?" He felt her nod. Holding her, he could sense her emotions. She was sad. "And then back to Earth?"  
  
Christine said. "Back to work. I'll miss this place. And you. I've enjoyed getting to know you, Spock. All those years on the Enterprise, I never really knew you."  
  
"Nor I, you." He felt the rush of her emotion and pulled her closer.  
  
"Maybe we'll get another mission together? Who knows?" Christine decided to change the subject before she betrayed her own emotions, "Spock, you dance really well. I guess I'm surprised."  
  
"My mother insisted I learn. She and my father had many discussions over this. She finally emerged victorious by convincing him that ballroom dancing was a lost cultural art. A thing practically sacred to her people."  
  
"A lie."  
  
"An exaggeration. In any event, she taught me to dance. Although I must admit, I have never really put her lessons to use until now. I felt some uncertainty as to my skill level."  
  
"You don't have to worry about that, Spock. You're doing fine."  
  
Feeling unaccountably pleased by her comment, Spock dared, "Perhaps it is because I am dancing with you." She didn't respond, but he felt her hand tighten around his neck.  
  
They danced in silence for a while. Spock pulled her closer and Christine tucked her head into his shoulder. "You smell like the white flowers we sat by tonight," he said.  
  
"They make a perfume from them. Dotura gave me a bottle. It is intoxicating, I think."  
  
He moved his head till he was whispering in her ear. "As a Vulcan I can only give an honest assessment. The perfume is pleasing. You are intoxicating."  
  
He felt her stiffen in his arms. He could suddenly sense very real distress coming from her.  
  
"Christine, you think that I could not be serious about such a thing. I can sense your confusion. And I can sense your attraction. Can you not sense mine as well? Why have my words upset you?"  
  
She tried to pull away but he held her. "Spock, is it the latha? This does not seem like you. It is sudden and unexpected. Not unwelcome but ... you see I wanted this for so long ... and I had to give it up and now you are saying this and..."  
  
She trailed off. He could feel her conflicting emotion.  
  
"I did not mean to distress you. I have said what I wanted to say. I will not rush you into anything."  
  
"So this is not a matter of some urgency?" She looked down, then back up at him. Quietly, almost inaudibly, she continued, "If this is the Pon Farr you should know I would do anything in my power to help you. I would only ask that you not pretend to feel something you don't."  
  
He realized he should have expected this reaction. He was only slightly less surprised than she was at his overtures to her. "It is not the Pon Farr nor will it be for some time. I say the things I do probably because the latha has gone to my head and it is giving me the freedom to speak, to say what I have been thinking...and feeling...for weeks. Perhaps I have not made clear how this time on Burask has made me appreciate you, made me realize that I should have taken more time to get to know you when we were both on the Enterprise."  
  
Realizing that they had stopped dancing, he pulled her back into the movement. He still felt her hesitation. "Christine, do you trust me?"  
  
She was silent for a moment, then whispered back, "Yes."  
  
"I can let you feel what I am feeling. Not as in a bond. But we are touching and if I lower my mental shields, you will be able to judge for yourself what I feel. Do you want to do this?"  
  
"We can do it right here?" He could feel her hope, the longer they were dancing the more of her emotions he could feel. They were strong but curiously they did not repel him.  
  
"It will take but a second. Just keep dancing." And he dropped his shields and purposefully projected his thoughts and feelings along the same conduit that was feeding him hers. For a few seconds she was helpless in the emotions that bombarded her. His respect for her medical skills, his admiration of the way she had handled this assignment, his gratitude for all the help she had provided to him. And finally his affection for her, a new thing, fragile in its way. She could destroy it if she wanted, he was offering that to her. He felt the moment that she quit doubting, when she allowed joy to emerge. Just before he raised his barriers he sent her one last thought, "I prefer your hair this color."  
  
Christine, despite the overwhelming emotions that were battering her, laughed. Spock's hand tightened on hers as he felt her delight. He could also feel some lingering uncertainty. He sensed that she could not bring herself to ask him what the next step would be.  
  
"I am coming to Earth next month. I have a meeting with Starfleet command to discuss a teaching position at the academy. I have some leave saved. If you would like to spend some time together, I can arrange my schedule to accommodate it."  
  
She pulled away long enough to look at him. His eyes were tender and she suddenly had to fight back tears. He sensed her emotion and pulled her tightly back into his arms.  
  
"That would be acceptable," she replied.  
  
"Excellent," Spock replied with much satisfaction.  
  
FIN  
  
The story continues. Read Transitions. 


	2. Part 2 Transitions

Transitions by Djinn Rated R  
  
Christine Chapel took a final look at herself in the mirror. 'Stop it, you look fine.' She tried with little success to convince herself this was just another day. Because it wasn't. Spock was coming here. To Earth. He would be living here in San Francisco, working at the Academy. Seeing her. 'I'm never going to get through the day if I keep this up,' she thought sternly. 'I have to put him out of my mind!" Striding purposefully out of her apartment she headed off to Starfleet Medical.  
  
But once settled in her office she found her thoughts again turning to Spock. She was still somewhat shocked that he was in her life. Really in her life this time, not just a fantasy. What had started so unexpectedly during their time together on Burask was slowly blossoming into something strong and true. Spock's visit several months ago had allowed them to nurture their yet tentative understanding. He had not stayed with her, in fact he seemed content to take it slow as if to prove that her fears of his affection being caused by the Pon Farr were unfounded. But they had shared time together and she had found that a sweet gift indeed.  
  
Perhaps the biggest gift was that he was constantly surprising her. Even after all the years they had served together, she had only known a very small part of him. She had fallen in love with him, despite that. But now, she was falling all over again. This time with the real Spock. A reserved, logical man yes. But unemotional? She was finding out that he had emotions. She had always known he was brave, loyal, compassionate. But she was learning that he was capable of great tenderness. She remembered when they had gone to the park just to sit and talk. She had been telling him about something painful in her past and had looked down, not wanting him to see her tears. His fingers had stroked her hair gently, then had lifted her chin till their eyes met. "Do not regret your tears, Christine," he admonished her. "They are part of what I value in you."  
  
Yes, he was capable of tenderness. And, she was starting to understand, passion. He had not shared his mind with her since that time on Burask. Nor had he touched her other than a few gentle caresses. But his passion for her was there. It was in the way he listened to her tell of her life, in the way he remembered the way she liked her coffee, how he could pick out her favorite foods. And it was in the way he looked at her when he left to arrange his affairs to allow his return to Starfleet. He had touched her arm, a feathery stroke down bare skin that made every inch of her body tingle. "I look forward to spending more, much more, time with you." She had wanted to take him back to her apartment right then, tell him to forget everything else, just stay there with her. He must have been reading her through the touch because he raised an eyebrow at her in what she was coming to learn was his playful look. "The sooner I leave, the sooner I can be back." She had nodded and moved aside so that he could step up to the transporter pad.  
  
And now he was coming back, after several very long months. She was more than ready to see him again. But in the meantime, she had some experiments in the lab that needed a steady hand and a focused mind. Pushing thoughts of Spock away, she went to check on her work. Once engaged she quickly found herself lost in the intricacies of biological exploration. A discreet cough distracted her from her work.  
  
"Spock! I was going to meet you. And I meant to clean up a bit, I've got dye all over my hands and."  
  
"My meetings finished early. I have been watching you for some time, Christine. I found the sight of you working fascinating. And the dye is most becoming."  
  
"You have very strange tastes. Give me a minute, I have to continue this stage or I'll lose a week of work. "  
  
"Perhaps with my assistance, we can accomplish the task more efficiently?" Spock came over and picked up an instrument.  
  
Christine shook her head. "If I didn't know better, Spock, I'd think you were eager to get out of here?"  
  
"Fortunately, you know better," Spock teased her, one eyebrow raised. They set to work and shortly the specimens were safe to leave for the night.  
  
Christine bent over the sink, scrubbing the dye off her hands. "Sorry to deprive you of something that you found stimulating, " she looked up at him. He stood over her with a tender look in his eyes.  
  
"It was not your hands that caught my interest," he reached over for a cloth, moistened it, and gently wiped her face.  
  
"On my face?" she asked in dismay.  
  
His face changed again. It was the look she had come to think of as amused. He continued cleaning, his touch though gentle was arousing. His expression became more serious. He leaned in closer. "As I indicated it is most attractive."  
  
"Attractive?" Christine repeated, somewhat breathlessly.  
  
"Yes."  
  
She was drowning. He only had to touch her like this and she was drowning. He must have sensed her thoughts because he moved up against her. She felt the sink behind her, his body in front of her. His voice was ragged, "I have missed you, Christine."  
  
She tentatively reached her hand to his face, stroked his cheek. He breathed out, nearly a gasp. She brought her other hand up, let her fingers play, go where they had always wanted to go. His hair. His ears. His skin. He captured her hands in his, brought his mouth down to hers. She felt his lips on hers, the touch set off the exchange of sensation she had experienced when they had danced. He was gentle, but she sensed the fire kept in control. When he pulled away, she found herself unsteady.  
  
She just looked at him for a moment, then gave him a long slow smile, "We should get out of here?"  
  
"Indeed." His expression turned thoughtful. "Christine, I may have been presumptuous. I did not bring much with me from Vulcan. But what I did bring, I had beamed to your apartment. I was hoping to stay there until other arrangements could be made."  
  
"You want to stay at my place?"  
  
He raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps you should have Dr. McCoy check your hearing?" He gave her his playful look and she felt herself grinning back like a fool. "I believe that is what I said. Shall we go?"  
  
He moved back letting her get past him. Shaking her head at him , Christine grabbed her things and they made their way out the door.  
  
**********************************  
  
Christine tried to get her racing heart to slow down as she and Spock walked back to her apartment. She asked him how his journey was, allowing his words to wash over her, calming her. Until she thought again about kissing him, his hands on hers, his lips on hers.  
  
"Christine? You are distracted?" He kept walking, did not even look at her, but there was a lightness in his tone that told her he knew exactly what she was thinking about.  
  
"You aren't.distracted?" She replied devilishly. "Seeing as how you started it?"  
  
"It was illogical to put it off any longer," he glanced over at her, "one of us had to start it."  
  
She laughed. 'If I could go back,' she thought, 'and tell the me of all those years ago that someday I would be walking down the street with Spock, joking about kissing, I know I'd never believe it.'  
  
"Are you hungry?" Spock was slowing as they came up to one of her favorite restaurants. She had taken him there during his visit to celebrate his reinstatement and promotion to Captain. "We could stop?"  
  
She had planned to cook for him tonight, but this seemed like a much better idea. The idea of being alone with him seemed suddenly terrifying despite her desire for him. She followed him into the cozy bistro.  
  
"Dr. Chapel, so good to see you again," The maitre'd came up to them. "And Captain Spock, how nice that you are back. You are in luck. I have a table for you right over here. He led them to a side table, with just enough room between it and the next to give them some privacy. "Some friends of yours are here as well," he inclined his head to the back where she saw Dr. Zarthakh and Chief Healer Dotura eating with some others from Starfleet Medical. Dotura saw them, excused herself, and walked over to the table.  
  
"Christine, my dear," she leaned in to kiss her, "you look radiant," she whispered, "I expect details." Dotura turned to Spock, "I hear congratulations are in order, *Captain* Spock."  
  
"Most kind, Dotura. I am surprised to see you here."  
  
"One of the advantages of being the chief healer. When the opportunities for the first medical exchange came up, it was easy to make sure that I was on the list. Andrei had to return here, so I decided to come with him instead of remaining on Burask alone."  
  
Christine interjected, "Dotura makes herself sound so selfish. Starfleet is lucky to have her. Her experience with certain cultures that we have no access to has already proven invaluable." She smiled at her friend, "Of course, I may be biased."  
  
Spock agreed, "It is the nature of friendship to be biased." He gave Christine a look laced with affection.  
  
Dotura smiled when she saw it. "I need to get back to our guests. We will have to get together when you are settled in to your, well, wherever you are staying."  
  
."I will be at Christine's," Spock replied.  
  
She glanced at Christine, who seemed happily dazed. 'This gets more interesting by the minute,' Dotura thought to herself as she made her way back to her table.  
  
**********************************  
  
Spock stood close behind her as Christine keyed in the code to her apartment. They had lingered over dinner, catching up on the last few months, reconnecting until Spock called for the check. The short walk back to her place had been silent, but comfortable. Spock had brushed against her several times as they walked, and Christine had felt her heart skip a beat each time.  
  
She palmed the lights and stepped into her living room. Several small cases and a satchel were sitting neatly near the door. "You weren't kidding when you said you didn't bring much, Spock."  
  
He was standing right behind her, she could feel his breath on her hair as he answered, "I was unsure of what I would need for my accommodations. I can have more items shipped from Vulcan if necessary. But I believe that everything I need is right here."  
  
She turned to look at him. He was not looking at the bags. He was looking at her. She swallowed, audibly. "Spock, do you have any idea the effect you are having on me?"  
  
"Yes," he reached for her, running his hands over her arms, her shoulders, her neck. "And I am equally aware of the effect you are having on me."  
  
Christine had to remind herself to breathe. Spock's hands were everywhere, she felt his passion through the touches. He was making no attempt to hide it. She wanted him desperately. "Are you sure? Now?"  
  
His lips found hers, gentle at first, then more demanding. She opened hers to him, felt his tongue find hers. Found herself matching his passion, pulling him closer. His voice was rough as he replied, "Christine, I desire you. You desire me. I see no logic in denying this. Or delaying it. Unless you do not wish it?"  
  
She knew he could feel her emotions. Her need for him. But also her fear of him, of this, of what this could do to her life, her heart, if it went wrong. "I'm just a little afraid, of us I mean, of doing this."  
  
He pulled her close, smoothed her hair, kissed her gently on her lips, her cheek, her neck. She could feel a more tender emotion alongside his desire. His fingers found her face again, but this time his touches were not random. She felt him reaching for a meld, hesitating while he waited for her to help him, or stop him. "It has to be your choice, T'hy'la," his voice sounded in her mind. She shuddered with pleasure at the feeling of it, the intimacy. "For everything there is a first time. Shall this be ours?" His mind was hovering just on the edges of hers. Her fear warred with her desire. The battle was brief.  
  
"Spock," she sent him her thoughts, "Yes, my love, yes." She felt his mind filling her, his thoughts to hers, his heart to hers. Her knees gave out and his arm tightened supporting her as his other hand shifted, deepening the connection. He was everywhere, she felt his desire, she felt him feel hers. He lowered her to the floor. His fingers left her face, but the meld remained. As his hands roamed her body, removed her clothes, she felt his pleasure in touching her. As she stroked him, kissed him, he sent her his need to be touched. She felt the reflections of her own pleasure in his. It was difficult to tell where one began and the other ended. As he joined his body to hers, she cried out, unsure whose enjoyment she was expressing, only intent on experiencing it. They moved and touched, matching pleasure for pleasure. Overwhelmed with sensation, with emotion. Finally they lay still together on her living room floor, the meld easing as they both returned from a place neither had experienced before.  
  
Christine felt Spock move away from her. His hand found hers and he helped her up, moving them to the bedroom. "Come," his mind and voice whispered to her, "come to bed." She let him lead her, watched him turn down the bedcovers then pull her in with him. He curled himself around her, stroking her gently until she fell asleep. He watched her for some time until finally, exhausted, he followed her into slumber.  
  
**********************************  
  
She awoke to the unaccustomed feeling of hands moving over her body. Opening her eyes she found Spock awake and watching her face as he touched her.  
  
"Is it morning?" she groaned.  
  
"It is," he replied evenly. "And I believe we have to go to work, do we not?"  
  
She rolled over to the alarm clock, muscles protesting as she did. "Spock, we don't have to get up for two more hours?"  
  
"Hmmm," he pulled her close, continuing to move his hands over her, "I must have made an error. Perhaps we could find a way to use the time effectively?"  
  
His lips found hers, then drifted to her throat. She felt his fingers reaching for the meld. "I suppose we could find something to do." Sensing his amusement, she sent back her own as she pushed him back and covered his lips with hers. She sent him the innocent thought, "Is two hours going to be enough?" In answer he pulled her closer and she lost all interest in the question."  
  
**********************************  
  
They made it to work on time despite her worries. She should have realized that Spock would calculate their time together down to the last second. Yawning at her computer, she brought up some formulas she needed to work on. 'Gods, I'm tired,' she thought, stretching carefully and wincing. 'And out of shape.' It would probably be a lost cause to try and convince Spock they could sleep longer in the morning, he would never accept being late, even occasionally. 'Oh well, we'll just have to go to bed right after dinner from now on.'  
  
"You look like the proverbial Terran feline, my friend." Dotura was standing in the doorway, smiling sardonically. "I don't suppose you are going to spill any lurid details?"  
  
"No." Christine pretended to be immersed in her formulas.  
  
"Well, can you at least assure me that he is." Dotura leaned in close, whispered, ".fully functional?"  
  
"Dotura!"  
  
"It's strictly for medical purposes!" Dotura laughed, "And to make sure he is treating my friend right. So, is he?"  
  
"Yes. Fully."  
  
"Christine, you are blushing."  
  
"As would you if you had a shred of decency," Christine looked up at her friend in mock anger.  
  
"We both know that I don't," Dotura teased. She became more thoughtful. "Seriously, it is good to see you so happy."  
  
Christine met her gaze just as seriously. "I have everything I ever wanted, Dotura. Work that I love. And now Spock. I don't think I have ever been happier. I'm almost afraid to talk about it for fear I'll jinx it."  
  
Dotura nodded, "I understand. So don't speak of it. Just bring your fully functional.I won't mention that when I see him.Vulcan over to our house tomorrow for dinner. I'm looking forward to this, we can do all those silly "couple" things that you humans seem so fond of." She gave Chris a quick hug. "I am happy for you, my dear."  
  
"I know," Christine sat thinking for a few minutes before turning back to her work.  
  
**********************************  
  
In the months that followed their first night, Christine and Spock began to make a life together. They had little contact during the workdays, but spent their free time together either alone or with friends. Dotura and Zarthakh became frequent dinner partners. McCoy invited them over often, as did Kirk. Spock treated her with courtesy and affection during these times. He was completely the proper Vulcan, and she believed that if her friends had not known that they lived together they would not have suspected Spock and Christine were a couple. She did not mind his reserve, she knew how strongly he felt about her from their time alone.  
  
Several months after Spock arrived back on Earth, Christine met his protégé, Cadet Saavik. She was severely beautiful in the Vulcan manner and extremely intelligent, but Christine was surprised to find her far more volatile than the normal Vulcan. It was Saavik who told her of her heritage. How Spock had found her on Hellworld, the result of a Romulan- Vulcan mating, and brought her back to Vulcan. She admitted that were it not for him, she would have run away from Vulcan. But Spock's own experiences as a "half-breed" had helped him sooth her when the other Vulcans made her angry or upset. He encouraged her to continue with her schooling, and sponsored her for Starfleet. She had done extremely well in mastering the Vulcan disciplines, but her Romulan nature still came out occasionally. Christine found her delightful, and Saavik seemed to return her affection, content to share Spock with her. They often included her in their outings when she had a break from her studies.  
  
Another Vulcan accompanied them at times as well. A Vulcan that Christine had a much harder time accepting. Valeris was just a young girl, but she made it clear, whenever Spock was not present, that she found the relationship between Spock and Christine unacceptable. Valeris was in school on Earth to gain what Spock deemed as beneficial early exposure to humans. It was clear to Christine that she worshipped Spock and wanted to follow in his footsteps in Starfleet. It was also clear that as much as she disapproved of Christine, she loathed Saavik. And the feeling appeared to be mutual. One day, after dropping Valeris back at her school, Christine asked Saavik about the girl. "Valeris?" Saavik thought carefully before she answered. "Valeris represents everything that was unpleasant for me on Vulcan. She is so perfectly logical, and so coldly cruel in her logic. Watch out for her, Christine, she will stop at nothing to get what she wants." When Christine had reminded Saavik that Valeris was barely more than a child Saavik had interrupted, "That one was never a child. Do not trust her! Ever!"  
  
Spock's parents were also often on Earth--as Vulcan Ambassador, Sarek had residences on both worlds. Christine became very fond of both him and Amanda. She knew that she would have many things in common with Spock's mother, but she worried that Sarek would disapprove of her. But she had come to greatly enjoy his company. He enjoyed discussing her research and she liked hearing of some of the problems he dealt with at the embassy. Amanda teased her once, "The father and the son, Christine? Isn't that a little greedy?" Spock still had a difficult time dealing with his father, but seeing her affection for Sarek seemed to let him relax around the man. Knowing she was helping the man she loved repair his relationship with his family added to Christine's happiness.  
  
As for her relationship with Spock, she would never have guessed the depths of intimacy they would achieve or the intensity of his feelings for her. She knew he wanted to make their situation permanent, but he sensed that she needed time to just enjoy their closeness. And she did enjoy it. Making love with Spock was like nothing she had ever experienced. She often teased him that he had ruined her for anyone else. And he had. When he melded with her, mind and body, she experienced levels of pleasure she had not thought possible. It made her wonder just how much more intimacy they could achieve with a full bonding. She knew that soon they would need to discuss the issue.  
  
Work progressed for both Spock and Christine. Spock was often gone on training cruises, now with Uhura, Sulu, and Scotty, who had taken positions at the Academy. McCoy sometimes joined them for these exercises, as did Admiral Kirk. Having his former shipmates with him seemed to bring Spock pleasure. That year Saavik began her final cadet training and was placed in Spock's class. She was proving to be a brilliant student, and Spock often came home with anecdotes of how she was progressing.. Christine had finished the project she had been working on and had proposed several more to Starfleet medical. She was surprised to receive a message from Starfleet command asking her to attend a meeting on a classified project. The project head was a hero of hers from college, and she was flattered when the noted molecular biologist asked her to join the project. It was the chance of a lifetime but there was just one catch. She would have to leave Earth.  
  
She went home that night distracted by the offer. Spock noticed and insisted they discuss whatever was bothering her. So she had told him what she could, leaving out most of the details since the project was extremely sensitive. She explained that this was exactly the sort of thing she had wanted to work on when she first went into research. It was the chance to make a difference, not just for a few, but possibly for all life forms. He had listened and at the end he had told her that it would not affect their relationship if she chose to go away for the year or so it would require her to complete her part of the work.  
  
"You're sure?" she had asked him.  
  
"I will wait for you," he had assured her, pulling her into his arms. "But I will miss you greatly."  
  
They had made love all night, seeming to already feel the absence of each other. And the next day she had accepted the offer. Once all the details were arranged she got her departure notice. She would be leaving in a week.  
  
**********************************  
  
Spock faced Christine as she waited for the project lead to join her for beam up. They did not speak much, having exhausted all possible farewells over the last few nights. He leaned in and said softly, "Try to get some rest during your flight. I worry that I have exhausted you this week. I did not allow you much sleep."  
  
Christine was more than tired, but she would not have traded the past nights with Spock for anything. They would be all she had for some time. "I wouldn't have missed the experience, Spock. I will hold those nights close in my memories while I am gone."  
  
"As will I, t'hy'la." Spock touched her cheek with his hand. She felt the lightest of mental touches and then the thought, "My love for you will endure. Never doubt that."  
  
The transporter room doors opened and her new boss walked into the room, smiling when she saw the two of them waiting. "Good you are on time, unlike my son, the creative energy behind this project, who was supposed to meet us here but is running late and will join us at Spacedock." The project head turned to Spock, "I don't believe we've met?"  
  
Spock nodded to her. "I am Captain Spock."  
  
She looked surprised, "*The* Spock? Christine, you travel in interesting circles. But of course you must have met on the Enterprise?" She seemed lost in thought for a moment, then looked at Christine. "When you are ready, please join me on the pad." She walked to the transporter, leaving Spock and Christine to say their good-byes.  
  
"Live long and prosper, Christine."  
  
She fought back sudden tears, as well as the urge to tell the other woman to go on without her. "Peace and long life, Spock."  
  
She mounted the steps onto the pad. Spock watched her, and nodded. "Dr. Chapel, Dr. Marcus, I wish you success."  
  
Then the transporter took her away.  
  
END 


	3. Part 3 Devestation

Devastation by Djinn  
  
Christine could barely contain her excitement as the shuttle neared Spacedock. She could not believe that it had been nearly a year since she had last seen Earth, or Spock. A year spent in pure research, on a project that she firmly believed could make a difference to all living beings in the Federation. Working on Genesis had been a dream come true for her. Most of the time, she had not really noticed the time passing. They had been too busy to count the days. Always trying to get the project to the next phase. Brainstorming, testing, remixing, retesting. It had been invigorating. And the chance to work with Carol Marcus had been more worthwhile than Christine could ever have imagined. Carol, and her son David, were true visionaries. The universe would owe them an enormous debt.  
  
But now she was coming home. Her part on the project was done. She had been given the option of staying to work with the testing team on Reliant, or coming back to Starfleet, who had just informed her of her promotion to Commander and had offered her the chance to direct Emergency Operations. While it would have been interesting to stick with the project in its final stages, she wanted to get home, to Spock.  
  
She smiled when she thought of Spock's last communication. He had sounded as excited as she had ever heard him when she had told him she was coming back to stay. Her arrival was somewhat ill timed, as he would be leaving in a few days for a cadet training cruise. But they would have time to see each other, to talk.and do other things. She could hardly wait.  
  
She had called Dotura, to tell her she was returning. Her friend had been overjoyed to hear that Christine would be back permanently. "I've missed you terribly, darling. And I'm dying to see you, but if I know that somber Vulcan of yours, it will be a week before he lets you out of his sight." Christine had promised to call her as soon as Spock left on the training cruise.  
  
As the shuttle finished docking procedures she waited in line with the others, hanging back a little, willing to let those passengers off who had people waiting to meet them. Once the line thinned out she made her way off the shuttle.  
  
"I was beginning to worry, t'hy'la," she heard a familiar voice say.  
  
"Spock," she stopped herself just in time from launching herself into his arms. "What are you doing here? I didn't expect to see you until tonight?"  
  
He raised an eyebrow at her, "It has been 11 months, 25 days, 5 hours, and." he glanced at the chronometer over the gate, "16 minutes since we said goodbye. You did not think I would find an excuse to be at Spacedock to meet you?"  
  
She laughed, "I guess I underestimated you?"  
  
"So it would seem." He beckoned her to proceed him, "Is there a reason to linger here?"  
  
She smiled at him, aching to touch him but resisting, "Not that I can think of."  
  
"Then let us go," he suggested.  
  
They made their way to the transporter pad, waited their turns for beam down to Earth. Christine was surprised when Spock told the technician to send them both to the pad near their apartment. "Don't you have to work, Spock, it is barely lunchtime?"  
  
"I took leave," he said firmly, just as the transporter began.  
  
They walked the short distance to the apartment. Spock keyed the code and gestured her into their home.  
  
She looked around the familiar surroundings, immersing herself in the feeling of being home. Suddenly she felt a hand on her arm, spinning her around and pulling her to him. "Spock, what?"  
  
"It has been so long," he said huskily as his lips claimed hers and his fingers found the meld points. She felt his aggression, his passion, his need for her as he pushed her up against the wall. *T'hy'la, so long without you.*  
  
His mind reached out to hers, his hands were everywhere on her, she was overcome with sensation. She felt pleasure emanate from him as he relearned her body, her mind, her heart. "Spock, I missed you so," she let her own hands roam all over him, hearing his gasps of pleasure. Suddenly he picked her up and carried her into the bedroom. They stripped off each other clothes before falling onto the bed. Spock deepened the meld as their bodies joined. *How could I leave this?* she thought to both of them. *Paradise, this is paradise." She heard his mind agreeing, "Yes, beloved, this is paradise."  
  
****************************************  
  
Much later, bodies sated finally, they lay together on the bed talking quietly. Christine asked Spock to tell him of his parents, their friends and former shipmates, and of course Saavik.  
  
"Saavik is exceeding my expectations for her," Spock remarked. "She will make an exceptional officer. I am gratified to see also that she is quite popular with her classmates. Something that is illogical to desire for her, yet I know the exclusion that can come from being different."  
  
"She has always blended well with us, it's her Romulan blood I think. She is Vulcan enough to be admired, but just unpredictable enough to be.well."  
  
"Human?" Spock asked in an amused tone?  
  
"I wouldn't want to insult you. Or her." Christine laughed. "But yes that is what I was thinking."  
  
"Valeris does well also," Spock said. "She enters the academy this year. I believe she will outperform us all."  
  
Christine was surprised to feel a momentary surge of jealousy. "You've spent a lot of time with her?"  
  
"I am her sponsor, as I was Saavik's," he offered. "And she has asked me to tutor her in some of the disciplines. She is an apt pupil."  
  
"I'm sure." Tired of talking of Valeris, Christine changed the subject. "We have never talked of our future. Now that we are both on Earth, perhaps it is time?"  
  
He moved so he was facing her and could see her face. "I have sensed your desire to not rush. You know my heart, Christine. I would bond with you today if you agreed."  
  
She reached her hand over to touch his cheek. "I know you would. Today is a bit soon. But what about when you get back from this training exercise?"  
  
"We both have leave coming. It would be easy to arrange. You are sure? You wish to bond?"  
  
She smiled happily at him, "Yes, Spock, I wish to bond."  
  
He pulled her close, kissed her gently. "Then we shall do so."  
  
She could feel his satisfaction with her decision through the lingering bits of the meld. "So, Spock, how do you plan to spend your last few days as free man?" she teased.  
  
"With you," he answered seriously, then his playful look returned, "then with an entire class of cadets."  
  
She started to answer, but he cut her off with a deep kiss. Pushing her onto her back, he reinforced the meld, *I prefer to focus on you right now.* Her laughter through the meld was all the encouragement that he needed.  
  
****************************************  
  
Four days later, Spock prepared to leave for the training cruise. He had packed and sent his things on ahead to the Enterprise. The night before they had invited Saavik over for dinner. Christine had surprised her with a congratulations cake.  
  
"I do not think that a cake is the normal response to getting everyone killed on your first mission," Saavik had noted. "Or have I missed something in my study of humans?"  
  
Christine had chuckled, "No, you haven't. But you couldn't win, the Kobayashi Maru is designed that way."  
  
"Admiral Kirk beat it. Do you know how? Spock won't tell me."  
  
Spock had looked warningly at Christine, who had laughed as she said, "Well then I won't tell you either. But sometimes, Saavik, you have to take action to help things along. Add something to the mix."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"I know." Christine had smiled at her. "Can I change the subject? There is something that I wanted to ask you."  
  
"Of course," Saavik said as she had leaned in to swipe some frosting off the side of the cake with her finger. Christine had glared at her. Spock had merely raised an eyebrow at their behavior.  
  
"Saavik, Spock and I are planning to bond when you get back from your training cruise." She had been touched by the heartfelt smile that crossed Saavik's face. "I was wondering if you would stand up with me at the ceremony?" Saavik had nodded happily. "Good that's settled then."  
  
As Saavik was leaving to finish her preparations she had hugged Christine tightly. "I'm so happy for you both. You have made him content, Christine, and at peace. I am honored that you asked me to stand with you."  
  
That night, Spock had been especially tender, and he was still touching her this morning. Stroking her hair or arm as he went past, touching her face as they sat at breakfast. "What is it?" she had finally asked him. He had taken her in his arms, held her close. She felt his fingers begin the meld. He just held her, letting her feel his happiness that she would soon be his wife. She was touched and sent him back her joy in him. As he ended the meld, she heard, *I love you, my Christine.*  
  
Pulling away from her, he tugged down his uniform top, "I will see you in a week."  
  
"In a week, Spock," she replied as she watched him walk out the door.  
  
****************************************  
  
A day later she got the call. Saavik appeared on the screen, eyes swollen and red, her manner more somber than Christine had ever seen. "Saavik, what is it? What's wrong?"  
  
"Christine, there's something I have to.damn.there's no good way to say this. Something awful has happened. The ship was in danger, we couldn't get away, and Spock went in to the." Saavik broke down, tears falling freely down her face. She fought for composure. "Spock's dead, Christine. He died saving us. I wanted to be the one to tell you. I know how much you loved him. I didn't want you hearing it in the halls."  
  
Christine felt her legs go weak. She managed to find a chair. Trembling all over, she tried to think. "I don't understand, Saavik. It was just a training exercise?"  
  
"There was an incident. We are under orders not to discuss it. I'm so sorry, Christine."  
  
"What about his body, the burial arrangements?" Christine saw Saavik look down, then back up at her.  
  
"The body is gone, burial in space. Normally there would be a ceremony at Mt. Selaya, but in this case I doubt they will have it." She stopped for a moment, fought again for composure. "We're just to go back to work, Christine. I'm to report to the Science Vessel Grissom. I'll be working with Dr. Marcus."  
  
"Dr. Marcus? Which Dr. Marcus?"  
  
"David Marcus, he is a biologist working on a special project."  
  
Christine was suddenly afraid. She realized she was hyperventilating. *No,* she thought *no, this could not have anything to do with Genesis. This could not.*  
  
She realized Saavik had said something. Christine looked back at her. "If David is involved, then this project, which I know you can't discuss, it has something to do with Life from."  
  
Saavik finished for her, "lifelessness. Yes. I was not aware you were familiar with it."  
  
Christine slumped in her chair, "I worked on it, Saavik. That's where I've been all these months."  
  
As understanding hit her, Saavik gasped. "Christine, you had nothing to do with this. You have enough to think about. Don't blame yourself. They need this channel. I have to go now. I will check on you soon."  
  
Christine nodded and closed the connection. The screen was barely clear before she slid off the chair onto the floor and wrapped her arms around her body. Rocking back and forth the same word came pouring out, "no, no, no, no." Then the tears came. Her pain overwhelmed her as she wept. "Spock, Spock! Don't leave me. Not now." She did not know how much time had passed when her weeping subsided. She lay on the floor, staring at nothing as silent tears rolled down her face. *Spock,* her mind screamed, *Spock don't go.* Hours later, she fell into an exhausted sleep.  
  
****************************************  
  
The beeping of her communication unit woke her up the next morning. She pulled herself off the floor and hit the voice-only switch. It was Starfleet command. They needed to meet with her and all the other Genesis scientists in three hours. She agreed and made her way to her bedroom to freshen up and dress. Three hours later she was in a huge conference room being debriefed on what had occurred on Regula One and later on the Enterprise. She had seen the Genesis Planet in the background. *So it worked, it really worked,* she thought, *I hope it was worth it.* Numbly, she got up to leave with the rest of the group.  
  
"Dr. Chapel?"  
  
"Yes." As she turned back, a young ensign she recognized from one of Spock's cadet classes handed her a data file.  
  
"This is for you ma'am. I thought.well I know you lived with him.I thought you should have this." He walked away quickly.  
  
Holding the file tightly she left the hall. As she made her way home she noticed nothing, could not even remember making the trip. She felt only pain and guilt warring in her. Reaching her complex, she was surprised to see Valeris waiting. The young woman's face was cold.  
  
"I see that you have heard." She moved in front of Christine. "There will be a ceremony on Vulcan, when we bring his katra home. I am leaving for there now. I came to tell you to stay away."  
  
Christine was shocked at the venom in Valeris' voice. "Saavik said there would be no ceremony this time. I'm not sure why but."  
  
Valeris interrupted. "Saavik knows nothing. She understands our ways little better than you do."  
  
"Have you always hated me, Valeris?"  
  
Valeris thought about the question. Then calmly said, "Hate is an emotion that I do not have. I believe that Spock being with you was a waste of material."  
  
Christine recognized one of Spock's favorite phrases. "How dare you! He loved me."  
  
Valeris practically sneered at this. "Love. An interesting emotion that I am not sure is relevant. You would have done better to leave him to a Vulcan."  
  
"Such as you?" Christine mocked.  
  
"Exactly. But I did not come her to argue. Only to tell you to stay away from us." Valeris stared at her for a moment, then walked away.  
  
Christine made her way to her apartment trying to erase Valeris' words. She put the file into her computer and was stunned to see the final moments of Spock's life being played out before her. She watched it over and over again until she could recite every word, every phrasing. "The ship.out of danger?" "I have been.and always shall be.you friend." She pitied Kirk. She knew how close they had been. And McCoy. He would be grief-stricken. Saavik, Scotty, all of them.  
  
*And what about me?* she wondered. *Did he even think of me at all?* Then she hated herself for being so selfish. Of course he had thought of her, but he would never have said anything to anyone else. Perhaps if they had been bonded, she would have sensed that he thought of her at the last, would have felt his goodbye.  
  
She felt trapped in her apartment, in their apartment. She walked through the rooms, looking for his things. Holding them, trying to recapture some piece of him. As she picked up his harp she broke down. She could hear his voice singing to her, the harp providing gentle accompaniment. His beautiful voice, in her life, in her mind. She would never have that again. She lay on the bed, curled around the harp and wept until she could not cry any longer.  
  
****************************************  
  
This was the tenor of her days, she did not have to report to work at Starfleet right away so she took leave, hiding in her apartment. She rarely slept. She sat often in the dark, thinking about packing Spock's things up, then hating herself for considering it. She wept for hours then sat motionless all emotions temporarily burned out. Her eyes were raw and red, her throat hurt, her head throbbed. A raw, heavy pain hung over her. Many of her friends tried to contact her, sometimes she listened to their calls, other times she put the communicator on silent. She ignored the messages that were piling up. Refused to answer the door. She heard the message from Uhura telling her that the Enterprise had arrived back on Earth, was going to be scrapped. But she couldn't bring herself to call her back. Grief threatened to cripple her.  
  
Then a priority call from Starfleet command came in. She tried to ignore it but the computer began to alarm until she answered it. The Genesis scientists were being called in again. She tried calling Kirk, to see if he could give her some additional insight into what happened, but he was off world. She tried McCoy but there was no answer either. Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, they were all unavailable. *Odd,* she thought.  
  
The meeting was quick, they were only told one thing. Genesis didn't work. The experiment was a failure. The planet was unstable. Christine watched the images sent by the science team, relayed by Grissom. One of the scientists asked if they had more data. The briefer said they had hoped to have more but that Grissom was apparently having technical difficulties because they had not been able to raise her in the last hour.  
  
Christine sat staring at the screen. Watching the planet as it decayed before her eyes. *Unstable. It was all for nothing?* Finally they were excused with another reminder that this was a dead issue, they were never to speak of it.  
  
As she left the briefing, her mind kept playing the scenes of the planet, then of Spock dying, back and forth till the planet and Spock became one in her mind. She found herself walking the halls of Starfleet medical unsure of why she was there. She made her way to Dotura's door, knocked, heard her friend call for her to come in. She took a step into the room, stopped. She felt despair descend like chains around her. Dotura took one look at her and ran to her. Moved her to a couch.  
  
"Christine? What is it?"  
  
Th words spilled out. Disjointed trying to talk, trying to just breathe between gasping sobs. Dotura finally just gathered her into her arms, holding her tightly, soothing her like a baby. "Shhh, shhhh. It's all right, I'm here. You have to be strong, Christine. He'd want you to be strong."  
  
Christine shook her head, tried to convince Dotura of something as she whispered, "You don't understand, it's my fault. Unstable, they said unstable. He's gone. Wasn't worth it, didn't work. He was to be my husband."  
  
Dotura finally went to get a mild sedative. Injecting Christine with it she waited for it to take effect. As it did she left Christine on the couch and went to find Zarthakh to tell him she was going home and taking Christine with her. When she returned, Christine was sitting numbly where she left her. Quiet except for the sobs that wracked her body. "Come on, Christine, we're going home now. You need to be with people who love you. And out of that apartment, there are too many memories for you there." She helped her up and they left the complex. Dotura took her back to her house, gave her a stronger sedative and held her until she finally fell asleep.  
  
When Christine awoke many hours later, she felt much calmer. The pain still throbbed inside her, but she was able to think again. Deciding to check her messages, she made her way to Zarthakh's computer and dialed in to her home system. Dotura came out to stand with her as she was replaying them. Most of the messages were simple condolences, but then Ambassador Sarek's voice came over the line. He had sent a scrambled voice message.  
  
" Christine, I do not know where you are. I have called but you do not answer, I have stopped at your apartment but you are never there. I had to return to Vulcan. For the Katra ceremony." Christine felt her heart drop, so it was true. She had not been wanted there. Sarek continued, "But something else has happened. Something extraordinary. You need to get here, Christine. This is going to sound unbelievable but trust me that it is true. Spock is alive."  
  
****************************************  
  
Christine could feel herself shaking with fatigue as she made her way to the quarters that Spock and his family were using while he recovered from the fal-tor-pan. She stood for a moment at the doorway, unable to bring her hand up to push the door chime. She was still reeling from the grief and guilt she had felt when Spock died. Now to have him back, it was almost too much.  
  
After getting Sarek's call telling her of Spock's amazing return from the dead, Christine had boarded the first available shuttle to Vulcan. She had stopped only long enough to call Starfleet to request additional leave. There was no one else to call--everyone else involved was already on Vulcan- -Sarek, Amanda, Saavik, Valeris, the Enterprise crew. She had been the only one not there. The thought gave her pause.  
  
Forcing herself out of her reverie, Christine rang the chimes. A few seconds later the door opened and she found herself in Amanda's arms.  
  
"Christine, my dear. I've been so worried about you! Sarek tried to call you repeatedly, even made inquiries at Starfleet. Nobody knew where you had gone. We wanted you here for the ceremony." Amanda led her out of the entry way and into a small sitting room.  
  
"Saavik said there was to be no ceremony?"  
  
Amanda nodded, "Yes, initially that is what we all thought. We believed Spock's katra to be lost. But Sarek discovered otherwise and he came back here to prepare. You know how fond of you he is, Christine. He would never have excluded you from this."  
  
"Valeris said."  
  
Amanda's smile was bitter, "Valeris says many things, Christine. Most of them designed to benefit Valeris. You are most welcome here, you should know that."  
  
Christine felt a piece of the darkness that had surrounded her lifting. "Can I see him, Amanda?"  
  
Amanda looked concerned, took Christine's hands in hers. "Oh my dear, you've come so far and I have to tell you that Spock isn't quite."  
  
"Isn't quite what?" Christine prompted.  
  
"He isn't the same. The ritual restored his katra to his body. He is alive. But he does not remember much yet. He is learning and I think over time he will become more like he was. But, Christine, he is different." She watched as Christine digested her words. "I couldn't have you walking in there not knowing. I've come to love you, my dear. I just wanted you to know."  
  
"I want to see him, Amanda. I've come all this way to see him." Christine felt dizzy as she rose to follow Amanda to find Spock. *I have to get hold of myself, I have to be strong, cannot collapse now.* She tried to will the sick feeling away, but she could not.  
  
As she entered the next room, Christine was surprised to see Saavik and Sarek sitting waiting for her. Saavik rose from her chair and wrapped her in a warm embrace. "Christine, you should have been here with us. Where were you?"  
  
Christine looked at Sarek, "I was overwhelmed by all that happened. A friend took me back to her house, to get me away from the memories. I didn't know you had contacted me. I didn't think."  
  
"Didn't think you belonged here?" A new voice interjected. Christine turned to see Valeris standing with Spock. The young woman's face betrayed none of the spite that her words had conveyed.  
  
"Valeris." Amanda warned her.  
  
Christine turned to Spock. Her heart was beating so hard she thought he must be able to hear it from where he stood. "Spock?" she asked tentatively.  
  
He looked at her as if trying to remember. *Oh god. He doesn't know me.* Christine felt pain flood her, and the emptiness that Spock's return had begun to banish encompassed her again. "Spock?" her voice came out as a plea, scared and hopeless.  
  
He stepped closer, cocked his head to the side as he studied her. "You are Christine Chapel. We served together?"  
  
"Spock, you *lived* together!" Saavik reminded him.  
  
He was silent as he thought this over. "We lived together?" Christine nodded. "As mates?" he continued. She nodded again. He seemed to remember as he continued, "But we are not mates. Why?"  
  
"Because she left you," Valeris offered. "To go work on Genesis."  
  
Saavik whirled on her. 'How do you know that? All information on that is classified."  
  
Valeris met her gaze coolly, "I was passing in the hall when you and Sarek were discussing the details of this project, I cannot help that the walls are thin here."  
  
Spock looked intently at Christine. "You worked on Genesis, yes I remember now."  
  
"Spock, I feel so guilty about that, to have worked on the project that ultimately caused your death. That will haunt me forever."  
  
Sarek moved next to her. "You can not be blamed for what happened, Christine. I am sure in time you and Spock will make peace with the havoc Genesis caused in your lives."  
  
"Sir, I think you are too charitable," Valeris again interjected herself into the conversation. "Christine has only herself to blame if Genesis destroyed her life. Am I not right?"  
  
Christine stared at her. "I'm not sure I know what you mean?"  
  
"Oh come now, isn't it true that you have a lot more to be haunted by than just some indirect involvement? Didn't you work almost exclusively with the part of the project that David Marcus oversaw?"  
  
Saavik looked shocked. "Valeris, you are making this up. You couldn't possibly know that."  
  
Valeris continued, her malice as smooth as silk. "I should think that how I know this would be less important than whether it is true. Christine, you worked with David Marcus, did you not? And you knew what he was doing, how he used protomatter to make Genesis work? Will you stand there and lie to all of us?"  
  
Christine felt panic, but also relief, that finally this could be spoken of, "It's true. I did work with David, and I knew, I was the only other person there that knew."  
  
"Why?" It was Spock, his voice confused, betrayed. "Protomatter, it is accepted as anathema to ethical scientific experimentation. Why?"  
  
Saavik looked stunned. "Christine, you had to have a reason, a good one, to do this?"  
  
Suddenly tired beyond her capacity to stand it, Christine slumped into the nearest chair. "David and I were working on phase 2, the Genesis cave. We had everything ready. The formulas were tested and retested. We would set off the device and it would work.for a while. But then it would stop. The matrix was too stable, you see, it had an intrinsic urge to return to equilibrium. Every time it did this, the Genesis effect would be arrested. We tried over and over," she stopped at Saavik's questioning sound.  
  
"But I saw the Genesis cave. It was perfect."  
  
Christine sighed. "You saw the last Genesis cave. Regula is now riddled with caves, most of them in states you wouldn't want to see. David and I were getting desperate. We were so close. And we were coming up on our deadline to finish this stage in order to qualify for continued funding. We thought that if we could add an unstable element to the matrix, just enough to keep the Effect dynamic until we halted it, that it would be the answer we needed. And we found that only protomatter was inherently unpredictable enough to keep the process going. We tested it in the Genesis Cave that you saw Saavik. And it worked perfectly."  
  
"But the planet, I was there, it was not perfect, Christine. It was so unstable that it destroyed itself."  
  
"I know. I was fully briefed on what happened."  
  
"And were you fully briefed on the impact of your actions?" Valeris queried her calmly. "Had you not used protomatter, the Genesis device would not have been ready for Khan to use. In fact, he might not have wanted it at all had it been in a non-operational state. It is likely that Spock would not have died. The enterprise would not have been destroyed. And David Marcus would still be alive." She turned to Spock, "Is my train of logic complete, Captain Spock?"  
  
"Impeccably complete, Valeris." Spock turned to Christine. "I still do not understand why you chose to ignore the ethical bans on protomatter?"  
  
"I was blinded by the research, by the possibilities of that research. David and I, everyone on Genesis, believed that the project would benefit the entire federation. David and I thought that it was worth the risk."  
  
"And David Marcus paid for that miscalculation with his life." Valeris stalked over to stand in front of Christine. "I wonder what Starfleet would do with you, if they knew of your involvement?" She cocked an eyebrow at Christine.  
  
"Her involvement will not be mentioned, Valeris." Sarek surprised them all by the sternness of his tone. "She made a grave mistake but what she did was not against regulations. Starfleet censure is unnecessary when I am sure that Christine has already punished herself and will continue to do so. We will not speak of this again. Is that understood?" He singled out Valeris with his look. "Is it?" They all nodded.  
  
Amanda broke her silence, "I think it is time to leave Spock and Christine alone." Sarek and Saavik left the room, but Valeris continued to stand over Christine. "Valeris, that means you."  
  
"We will continue our lessons, Captain Spock. When you are finished?" Valeris glanced at Christine, a calculating glint in her eyes. "I'm working with him to restore his memory. I think it has brought us closer, spending so much time together. Good bye Christine." She turned on her heel and walked out, followed closely by a watchful Amanda.  
  
Spock took a seat across from Christine. "I am not the man that I was. I have the memories, but they are distant." He looked at her in a way that made her want to run out of the room. His eyes gave nothing back. His body was rigid. She looked down at her lap, unwilling to see the emptiness in his gaze. "I do remember you. I can recall things that we said.and did." She looked up suddenly, wondering if he might remember how he felt. There was still nothing in his expression.  
  
He rose, clearly uncomfortable with her. "My parents and Saavik tell me that I was going to bond with you."  
  
She laughed bitterly, "What does Valeris have to say about that?"  
  
He frowned slightly. "She says I did not bond with you because I wanted a Vulcan wife. I do not remember thinking that. I do remember telling you that 'my love would endure' and I believe that this indicated a promise on my part. Once I am fully recovered from the refusion, we can bond." He sat back down, looking relieved to be finished with the subject.  
  
Christine looked at him shocked. "You want to bond? Spock, do you love me?"  
  
He looked at her quizzically, "The question is not logical. I made a promise to you. And I will keep it."  
  
"It may not be a logical question, Spock, but it is the only question. Do you love me?"  
  
He took a deep breath as he thought. "I remember loving you. Perhaps that can be enough?"  
  
Christine felt despair wash over her, then numbness enveloped her. "No, it can never be enough. The only thing that would be enough would be what we had, before all this." She looked down again, "I had everything I wanted. But I walked away from you. And then I cheated on Genesis. I have had a hand in everything that has happened. This then is my punishment."  
  
She rose slowly, moved to the door. "Valeris is no doubt correct, Spock. You *should* take a Vulcan wife. It would be the logical thing to do." He cocked an eyebrow but did not respond. She stood looking at him for a long moment, trying to find the man she had loved, the man she had lost. She saw only a familiar stranger.  
  
She straightened her back, pulled together the last shreds of self-control. Her voice was far from steady as she intoned the ritual farewell, "Live long and prosper, Spock."  
  
He rose, nodded. "Live Long and Prosper, Dr. Chapel."  
  
END 


	4. Part 4 Absolution

Absolution by Djinn  
  
Christine fled Spock's chambers, mercifully meeting no other members of the household on her way out. She made her way to the shuttle port, fighting back tears with every step. *I will not cry on Vulcan,* she commanded herself. *Not here. Just hold on.*  
  
As she arrived at the shuttle port she saw the Klingon Bird of Prey standing out in the open, surrounded by her former shipmates. *Oh god, no. Please don't let them see me.* But it was too late. She saw Uhura turn back to look her way. Saw her wave. *You have to do this.* Trying to ignore the pain she felt, Christine walked over to the ship.  
  
"Christine? When did you get here? Have you seen him?" Uhura embraced her tightly as she bombarded her with questions. "Isn't it wonderful? He's really back."  
  
Christine felt herself split into two people. One huddled inside her drowning in sorrow, and the other stood here lying to her friends, "Yes, I just saw him. It's wonderful that you found him."  
  
"Christine?" She turned in time to be hugged fiercely by McCoy. "Did you see him?"  
  
*Would they quit asking me that?* she thought desperately. She looked up to find Kirk studying her. *He knows,* she thought.  
  
"Admiral. How are you, sir?" She faced him down."  
  
"I've been better, Chris. Never expected to be exiled here."  
  
*There's something he's not saying,* Christine wondered. "I have to check on a shuttle back to Earth. Would you come with me, sir, I need to speak with you"  
  
As he agreed, she noticed the dismayed looks on her friends' faces. "I'm sorry, I have to get back. I'll catch up with you when you're back on Earth?"  
  
Uhura was unconvinced. "Christine?! You just got here. What's the matter with you?"  
  
*No tears,* Christine reiterated. She was saved by Kirk. He answered, "I'm sure that Commander Chapel wouldn't leave if it wasn't absolutely necessary. Shall we?" he gestured toward the shuttle port.  
  
As they moved off, he said quietly, "I was hoping it would be different for you. But it wasn't was it?"  
  
"He doesn't remember you either? All the years, the friendship, he doesn't remember that?" She felt his pain as his face tightened, and he shook his head. "I'm so sorry, Jim. And you have to stay here. I at least can run away."  
  
He glanced over at her. "He loved you, Christine, you've got to believe that. He loved you very, very much."  
  
She could hear the disappointment in his voice, could see him fight his own pain. "He loved you too. You were his closest friend. Maybe in time."  
  
"Yes. I'll just have to wait."  
  
She nodded. "But I can't, Jim. It's different. I can't wait for him to remember loving me. I have to go."  
  
He smiled his understanding. "Being director of emergency operations should keep you busy. And it will be a change from what you've been doing for the last year. The research you couldn't talk about."  
  
"I was working on Genesis, Jim."  
  
She felt his shock. "Genesis?" He digested the idea. "My god. You must have gone through hell these last weeks? Not that now isn't bad. I mean.damn, I'm not saying this well."  
  
"I know what you mean. And yes, it was hell. For a number of reasons. But that part is over. Moving on will be the hard part now, I think."  
  
They started walking again to the entrance. The shuttle that had brought her to Vulcan was still on the pad. It took Kirk's assistance before she secured a place on it. He mused philosophically, "May as well throw my name around now, before that fellow realizes that I may be an admiral but I am one that is in total disgrace."  
  
He led Christine to a waiting area. "You must have met Carol and David Marcus?"  
  
"I didn't realize that you knew them, Jim? I worked very closely with David. He was an exceptional young man. So brilliant. I couldn't believe it when I heard he was dead."  
  
"He was my son," Kirk whispered. At her look of shock he explained how David hadn't known the truth till Khan had forced them together. How they had been granted so little time.  
  
She felt guilt overwhelm her again. "You've lost so much, Jim. I'm so sorry, so very sorry." He nodded and took her hand as they sat. She sensed his need to just connect with someone that shared his hurt, someone from whom he could draw some comfort.  
  
The announcement for the shuttle departure came over the speaker. He released her hand and moved to walk her to the shuttle. "Don't come with me, Jim. I need to go the rest of the way alone." At his questioning look she explained, "I will not cry. Not here, not on Vulcan. That's my one resolution right now. But if you see me off, I don't think that I can keep it."  
  
He smiled sadly. "I understand. So, what will you do now?"  
  
She smiled back, just as sadly. "Try to forget. Learn how to go on without him. And you?"  
  
When he shrugged and made a face, she saw a glimmer of the old Kirk. A small chuckle escaped her. "Good luck, Jim."  
  
"Godspeed, Chris."  
  
She turned and made her way alone to the waiting shuttle.  
  
***************************************************  
  
High on a hill, unnoticed by those below, Spock watched Christine and Kirk walk to the shuttle port. He had a strange feeling as he looked at them together. He could remember that Kirk was his friend, but could not remember friendship. He knew intellectually that he and Christine had lived together as lovers, but could not remember what it was to love. He could not feel loss, yet he knew that it was there.  
  
"So you just let her go?" Saavik's tone was heavy with recrimination.  
  
"She chose not to stay." He countered evenly.  
  
"No doubt because you gave her no reason to." Saavik paced to the edge of the hill and back. "You are hurting them both, Spock. Does that not even bother you?"  
  
Spock watched her walk, his face betraying nothing. "Your display of emotion is illogical, Saavik. This does not concern you."  
  
"Oh yes it does," she muttered.  
  
"Elaborate." Spock suggested. Then more firmly, "Saavik, if you wish me to understand you will have to explain."  
  
She turned to him then, rage sparkling in her eyes. "I didn't save you, back on the Genesis planet, for you to cast her off, or to throw everything you are away."  
  
"You did not save me. Admiral Kirk did. Your argument is faulty."  
  
Saavik looked away. Only her clenched hands betrayed her emotional state. Watching her, Spock remembered a moment in time. A young Saavik, taunted nearly beyond her ability to withstand it, standing in just such a manner with hands clenched to keep them from flying at her tormentors. Then the memory was gone. He moved to stand in front of her. "Why do you feel such anger?"  
  
"Fine. You wish to hear? Then I will speak of that which is not spoken of! You won't remember, Spock. Your essence was still in McCoy at the time. But your body, on the planet, it was aging. The burning came upon you."  
  
Finally she had surprised him. She went on, "You were dying, Spock, and *I* saved you."  
  
"This is not in the records. I have seen them."  
  
She looked at him bitterly. "No, not in the records, I made sure of that. The only person that knew was David Marcus. And he is in no position to tell."  
  
Spock became more thoughtful. "Then are we mated?"  
  
"No! There is no need. I am not pregnant. And we couldn't bond in any way, your mind really wasn't there. What I saved was the empty shell. I had to do it, for even the chance that I could bring you back to her! And the impossible happened, Spock. I saved your body, McCoy your katra, and Kirk your life. The refusion worked. Everything was supposed to be all right. You weren't supposed to turn away from her."  
  
"Lieutenant, I will always appreciate your action. And I accept your loyalty to Dr. Chapel. You demonstrated exceptional logic and honor in your actions. But your wishes for what will happen are not relevant here."  
  
He paused for a moment, reaching for the words he needed, "If I were to judge from your reaction to me, from my mother's, from Dr. Chapel's, from the Admiral's, I would surmise that I am not the same man that you all lost. It is clear that you wish it were otherwise, but I cannot change what I have become. I could not offer Dr. Chapel something that was not in my power to give."  
  
He watched her reaction, could see he was only making her more unhappy. "I regret if that causes you pain, Lieutenant. And I appreciate you telling my what happened on the Genesis planet. Given the circumstances it is logical that you do not seek permanent joining. It is done then and we will not speak of this again." Spock turned away, watching the figures in the distance again.  
  
Saavik watched him for a moment then went back inside. In her heart she mourned the loss of the man who had rescued her all those years ago. The man who had welcomed her into his life. She wondered if she would ever feel comfortable with this new Spock. As she made her way down the hall she caught sight of Valeris coming to call Spock to a lesson. *I didn't save him for you, ka'fe'era!* Saavik had to reach in her mind for the Romulan expletive. There was no word for "bitch" in Vulcan. She continued down the hall, throwing a vicious look at a startled Valeris as she passed.  
  
********* *************************************  
  
Christine stayed in her quarters for the duration of her trip back to Earth. She had managed to keep her promise to herself and had not broken down until the shuttle lifted off from Vulcan. Then she began to cry, great heaving sobs that tore at her body and soul. She mourned the loss of Spock, the loss of their future. She blamed herself for the role she had played in bringing this all about, the pain she had caused everyone. She felt that each tear took her further away from the woman she had been. By the time the shuttle docked at Earth, there seemed very little of her left.  
  
She made her way to the transporter pad, trying to forget the last time she had docked here. Tried to wipe out the memory of Spock's voice, and later the feel of him. *Stop it,* she ordered herself. *He's gone, he's never coming back.* She gave the transporter operator the address of her site and stepped up to the platform. Arriving back in San Francisco, she made her way back to her apartment. As she stepped into her place she was assailed again by her grief, by her pain. She had slept little on the shuttle and little in the weeks before that. She knew she was exhausted and that the grieving would make her ill if she continued to indulge herself in weeping. Going through her stock of medicines, she found some sedatives.  
  
*Just to help me sleep,* she promised herself as she administered a liberal dose. As she pulled back the covers of the bed she and Spock had shared she was suddenly overcome with anger. She ripped the sheets off the bed, stuffing them into the disintegrator. Pillowcases and blankets soon followed. She felt tears begin as she ran into the bathroom, found his towels, his personal items. *Go to hell!* she screamed in her mind as she dumped these into the trash. She reeled momentarily as the sedative began to take effect. *Have to lie down,* she thought hazily. Too tired to remake the bed, she grabbed a blanket from the closet and wrapping herself in it, curled up on the bed and let the drug give her peace.  
  
Christine was awakened by light streaming through her curtains. *God, what time is it?* she wondered. Rising unsteadily, she groaned as she felt the beginnings of a major headache pounding just behind her eyelids. Her tongue felt thick and her throat was sore. In the kitchen she made coffee and sat drinking it slowly, trying to work up the energy to move. She was startled out of her reverie by the ringing of her comm unit.  
  
It was Saavik. The girl looked relieved to see Christine. "I tried to get you on the shuttle, but they said you did not want to be disturbed. I have been so worried about you. The way you left."  
  
Christine sighed. "I'm sorry Saavik. I should have told you myself, but I just had to get out of there. I couldn't be on the same planet with him. I don't think I would have survived."  
  
"I know. I am not particularly enjoying my time with him either." Saavik paused, lost in thought. "You worried Sarek and Amanda too. Sarek will no doubt be calling you soon. He is on his way back to Earth. With Valeris."  
  
Christine said bitterly, "I'm surprised she consented to leave Spock. According to her, they've grown quite close."  
  
Saavik gave Christine a dangerous smile, "It wasn't her idea. Someone must have convinced Sarek that she was a less than positive influence on Spock because he insisted she return to her schooling. A pity, no?"  
  
"You shouldn't take it out on her, Saavik." She stopped as Saavik protested. "Oh I think she is an evil little creature, too. But she had nothing to do with what has happened. I really only have myself to blame. We may not like her, but maybe it is time to admit that she is perhaps the best thing now for Spock. He isn't the man we loved, Saavik. He may never be that man again."  
  
"You mean he may never love us again?"  
  
Christine nodded. "It is a possibility we have to accept. Life goes on, and we must too."  
  
"But it hurts. What is the point of loving if it hurts so much?"  
  
Christine looked sadly at the young woman. "Oh Saavik, I don't know. I really don't know."  
  
They were both silent for a while, lost in their own heartache. Then Christine roused herself, "Saavik I have to go. Call me if you want, if you need to talk. We still have each other." Saavik nodded and Christine cut the connection.  
  
For the rest of the day, Christine removed every trace of Spock from the apartment. She packed up the few possessions he had brought with him from Vulcan. Other things she threw away. The things they had bought together she piled on the bare mattress. She examined each item. Most she put into the packages for Spock, but a few she kept for herself. *There is so little from our time together. I can wipe out his existence in just a few short hours.* The chiming of her door interrupted her thoughts. Deciding she could not afford to ignore her life any longer she opened the door. It was Dotura. Christine asked in surprise, "How did you know I was back?"  
  
Her friend frowned at her. "Saavik called me. She's worried about you. Aren't you going to invite me in?" Dotura saw the crates as she walked in. "Purging?"  
  
Christine shrugged, "He won't be coming back. Some of this stuff should go back to him." Her comm unit buzzed. It was the transporter tech from the delivery firm. She gave him the go ahead and went over to stand with Dotura. They watched as the transporter removed the crates. Christine let out a long sigh, felt Dotura's hand on her back.  
  
"Are you hungry?" her friend asked?  
  
Christine realized that it had been some time since she ate. She nodded at Dotura, but added, "I'm not sure I can eat. I don't feel very well."  
  
Dotura picked up the spent case from the sedative Christine had used the night before. "I don't doubt it. This stuff packs quite a wallop. You must feel like hell." She threw it into the trash and walked to the door. "Come on, it'll do you good to get out of here."  
  
They spent a long time lingering over a light lunch in a bakery they both liked. Christine told Dotura everything that had happened on Vulcan. She also found herself telling Dotura as much as she could about her involvement with Genesis and how she and David had introduced protomatter into the experiment. Her friend listened thoughtfully and Christine was surprised to find herself able to talk about it without breaking down.  
  
"So what do you do now?"  
  
"Dotura, did you even hear what I said? It is my fault, what happened." Christine stared at the healer.  
  
"I heard you just fine, Christine. And I recognize that this must weigh on you terribly. But what if things had turned out differently? People would have hailed the two of you for being visionaries that could see the possibilities that lay beyond protomatter's instability. If the experiment had worked, I am willing to bet no one would have said a word of censure. Perhaps my people are more pragmatic about this sort of thing, but I suggest you forgive yourself and move on. You have enough to deal with without adding guilt to the mix." Dotura looked at her intently, challenging Christine to argue with her.  
  
"I've been so busy blaming myself."  
  
"And now it is time to stop. And I repeat my question, what are you going to do now?" Dotura waited for her reply, unwilling to back down.  
  
Christine pursed her lips. "You mean other than cry? " She smiled bitterly, "I have work to do. My new job to distract me. And pain to put behind me, to try to forget."  
  
Dotura frowned at her. "You can't just put it behind you. You have to go through it. Grief is like a disease. It has to run its course. If you don't let it, you just delay it. And possibly make yourself even sicker."  
  
Christine thought about this. "I know I can't erase the pain, Dotura. But I can throw myself into work. I can see if that won't help."  
  
"It's the nights I worry about, my dear. They will be the hardest."  
  
Dotura's words proved prophetic. Christine spent her days familiarizing herself with her new responsibilities. She read the files of past emergencies, studying the steps her predecessors had taken to combat the situations. She met with her staff and her new supervisors. Attended meetings at Starfleet command and spent time in the operations center monitoring the various ongoing crises that Starfleet had to respond to. She could almost forget, during the busy days, her pain and her loneliness.  
  
But at night the darkness found her, enveloped her in its crushing embrace. Sometimes she wandered the apartment, restless and keyed up. Other times she cried all night. Her temper was on edge, little things angered her to the point of tears. She would try to read but her mind wandered. She slept less and less. When she did sleep she had strange dreams. One night she was roused by the feeling of a touch on her face. She turned over still half asleep, *Spock?* she called out in her mind, but it had only been a dream. She hated herself for the hope she had felt.  
  
She began to stay at work longer and longer hours. She came in early, and left late. She only went back to the apartment to get a fresh uniform or to sleep when she grew too exhausted to continue. As a doctor, she knew her behavior was dangerous, but she could not face the nights in the empty apartment. Sometimes she stayed with Dotura when Andrei Zarthakh was off world. Dotura would pamper her, making exotic meals and ordering up vids or insisting she try some alien beauty treatment. Sitting with her friend, covered in some bizarre cosmetic goop or laughing at an Andorian comedy was the closest Christine came to forgetting.  
  
It was with extreme sadness that several weeks later, Christine found out that Dotura had been recalled to Burask. Dotura had been reluctant to tell her. "They need a new head of outworld operations. And I am the most experienced healer they have. Our role as medical emissaries has always been critical. I have to go back. But I'm so worried about you, Christine. Andrei is coming with me, why don't you? There are many people who remember you from the negotiations. The healer college would love to have you there in any capacity."  
  
Christine declined and several days later found herself saying goodbye to Dotura and Andrei at the transporter pad. Both women cried, hugging each other tightly. Christine tried to smile bravely in order to convince Dotura she would be fine. But in the days that followed her friend's departure she realized the importance she had come to place on her friendship with Dotura. There was another hole in her heart now, and without the interaction that Dotura had provided Christine began to turn off her feelings. She ignored her pain, her emptiness. She poured everything she had into work and left no time for nurturing her own fragile soul. After a time, it began to feel normal to feel nothing.  
  
Saavik called her often. She had elected to stay on Vulcan for a while. Christine could tell that in her own way the young woman was also floundering as she tried to find her own future. Through Saavik Christine learned that Spock was progressing well in his studies but did not appear to be changing in his behavior.  
  
"Saavik, you have to accept that he's gone forever. I have."  
  
Saavik looked at her angrily. "You have? You have not! Look at you. You look like death. When was the last time you slept? You have not moved on, you are just hiding."  
  
Christine tried to ignore the sting of the words, "You may be right. I probably am hiding. But that doesn't mean that I am holding out any hope that Spock is going to come back to me." A priority comm from Starfleet operations came through on a separate line. "Saavik, I've got another call. I'll talk to you soon, alright?"  
  
As Saavik nodded, she broke the connection and picked up the other call. She listened to the frantic adjutant explain that they had a critical situation and were prepared to beam her over to save precious time. She moved away from the terminal, "Go ahead."  
  
The transporter deposited her on the ops center pad. The place was in an uproar. She ran to her post and replaced one of her staffers. Christine began to coordinate emergency response to the probe that was headed for Earth, leaving a marooned fleet in its wake. For hours they watched the reports, nothing could stop it. As it entered Earth orbit, the strange signal it was emitting intensified. When nothing answered, the probe began to ionize the oceans. All hell broke loose. Christine had her hands full with incoming calls and panicked department heads. She was very glad to see Sarek arrive. After he talked to the Federation President, he moved over to Christine. They watched together as the President sent the emergency distress call and a few minutes later heard the message came through from Admiral Kirk that he was going to try to find the solution to this problem in the past. Then his transmission was cut off.  
  
Sarek turned to her. "Can I be of assistance?"  
  
"Just being here is a help, Sarek." She gestured to the screens, the people running around. "What do we do now?" She asked him.  
  
"I am not sure there is anything to be done, Christine." His tone was sympathetic.  
  
*So we die here.* She was not surprised to find that she did not care that these might be her final hours. *Saavik's right. I haven't really been living.* She looked at Sarek's dear face, imperturbable to the last. Found herself regretting that he hadn't stayed safe on Vulcan with Amanda. She recognized that it was petty but couldn't help thinking that she was glad he had brought Valeris back with him.  
  
Suddenly Sarek yelled, "Look!"  
  
It was Kirk, returned from the past. They all watched as the bird of prey headed for the bridge, narrowly missing it, then crashed into the water. It was not clear what was happening for some time, until suddenly the probe stopped its signaling. The rain stopped and the clouds began to clear. The room erupted with cheers. Christine smiled up at Sarek. "They've done it again."  
  
He nodded. "So it would seem."  
  
She saw Sarek again the next day at the official inquiry. He introduced her to Dr. Gillian Taylor, the whale specialist and stowaway from the past. She was immersed in the story of the whale rescue when she realized that someone else had walked up to joint their group.  
  
As she turned she heard Spock's voice, more resonant than the last time she had talked to him. "Dr. Chapel. You are well?"  
  
Her heart beat heavily, she felt her face flush. "How could I not be, Captain. We are alive, after all, thanks to you, and the others, " she pointed to Kirk and the rest, who were just filing in.  
  
As the room grew quiet, she led Gillian and Sarek to a seat in the front row next to Janice Rand. Spock elected to stand with his shipmates. The inquiry was brief, and when it was announced that Admiral, no Captain Kirk had been given another starship to command the room erupted into cheers. She ran out to Uhura and the others, embracing them and sharing in their joy. She saw Kirk and Gillian talking quietly till the woman gave Kirk a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving him. Kirk made his way to where Spock was talking with Sarek. Christine watched them for a moment. She felt very out of place. *This isn't my world, anymore,* she realized. *I don't belong here.* She turned and quietly left the room.  
  
She found herself wandering the halls of Starfleet command, then Starfleet medical. Walked past the office that had been hers. Wandered then out of the research section, into the patient wards. She watched a young nurse check on a patient, offering comfort. Moving through the sections of the hospital, Christine began to realize that she was never going to find peace until she could put her mistakes of the past to rest. Until she had paid for them. Until she had been absolved. *This is where I belong. This is where I can make a difference.* But the thought of staying with Starfleet , of running into Spock, into Valeris, it was more than she could bear. I need to get off world.  
  
She went back to her apartment. Placed a priority call to Dotura on Burask. The healer came on at once, a worried look on her face. "Christine, what's wrong?"  
  
"I'm sorry for the priority, Dotura. I didn't mean to scare you. But I need to talk to you before I lose my nerve. That offer you made to me before you left. Did you mean it?"  
  
Dotura was delighted, "You mean about coming to work here? Absolutely I meant it. In fact I need a deputy. With your credentials and your reputation here, you'd be perfect."  
  
Christine smiled. "Then I want the job. I want to come right away."  
  
"Can Starfleet reassign you that fast?"  
  
Christine looked away for a moment, then turned back to the screen. "I'm leaving Starfleet. I can't do this anymore."  
  
Dotura looked startled, but then smiled at her friend. "Starfleet or no Starfleet, I want you here! I'll expect you on the next shuttle?"  
  
Christine agreed and after they talked a few minutes more she had hung up the call. As she went to start packing, her door chimes rang. She opened the doors and was startled to see Spock standing there.  
  
"Doctor Chapel, there is something I must speak to you about. May I come in?"  
  
Christine felt her heart race as she moved aside to let him come in.  
  
******************** ******************  
  
Spock looked around the apartment. It was familiar and was associated in his mind with intense emotions. He shied away from them instinctively and then reminded himself that he had come here to understand these feelings. And the woman who stood before him.  
  
He studied her critically. She looked tired, much too tired for just this crisis. She had not been sleeping. She had lost weight, so she was probably also not eating. But something else was different about her. He studied her face further. It was her expression. It lacked any emotion at all. *This has been hard on her.*  
  
"So are you going to just stand there? You said you had something you needed to discuss?" Spock was surprised at the bitterness in her voice.  
  
He moved into the room, remembered which of the chairs in the living area he preferred. "Perhaps we could sit for a while?"  
  
"Fine." She sat as far from him as possible.  
  
*She is not going to make this easy.* Spock supposed that he could not blame her. He had found more much during this mission than just whales. Had reconnected with a part of himself that he had not known was missing. It had happened as he had interacted with his shipmates. He started to remember things from their shared past, started to react to them more in his old ways. He had also, as he wandered through the San Francisco of the late twentieth century, begun to remember things from his time with Christine. Experiences they had shared would come back at odd times, such as when he was walking through the park looking for a meditation spot and happened on the area that they had used to hold a picnic. He remembered her crying, and his reaction.  
  
"Spock," she was clearly impatient. "Do you have something to say."  
  
"Yes, I do. I realize that our last meeting was not all that you wished." This was more difficult than he had expected. "I was perhaps harsh in my treatment of you?"  
  
"Harsh?" she looked at him suspiciously. "You mean the way you treated me as a stranger, not as a lover."  
  
"Yes. That is what I meant."  
  
"And you are sorry that you treated me this way?"  
  
Spock answered quickly, "I did not come to apologize for something that I would not change. I acted as I did then because it was the only way I could act." He saw her preparing to get up, "Please let me finish. I did not remember you, and so I treated you as a stranger. Just as I did not remember the others. But during this mission I had time to become reacquainted with our shipmates and I began to experience a closer relationship with them. I believe the same might be true for us."  
  
She looked skeptical. *This is not going well,* he realized.  
  
"Let me get this straight, you think that if we spend time together, then you might.might what exactly?  
  
"I could analyze my reaction to you. Determine if my response to you indicated a potential for deeper interaction."  
  
"Spock, for God's sake. You make it sound like a science experiment. What are you trying to say? That you love me? That you think you could love me? That you want to? I don't understand what you want from me?"  
  
He could sense her emotions. They were raw and dark, anger mixed with hurt. He searched for the right thing to say. "Dr. Chapel, I did not come here to upset you. I have sensed from you and those around me that I should have considered more carefully before I rejected our relationship. Obviously in the past I considered you a suitable mate."  
  
She was on her feet and pacing as she replied. "No, Spock, in the past you loved me. You didn't think about doing it, you just did it. You felt it"  
  
Spock tried to calm her, "Perhaps in time, I could feel these things again."  
  
He watched her stop pacing. Her back was to him so he could not see her face but he sensed that he had again said the wrong thing.  
  
Her voice was barely a whisper, "And what if you couldn't? What about me?" She turned to him and he saw a face filled with pain but also with resolve. "I've spent the last three months trying to forget you. And now you come here and propose whatever it is you're proposing and expect me to risk going through this all over again when you decide that I'm not suitable or that you can't love me after all. Please, Spock, don't insult us both."  
  
"I did not mean to insult you." Spock felt a strange emotion, he recognized it as regret. "I have not presented my case well. Perhaps if I could take a different approach."  
  
"No." She walked to the door, opened it. "Goodbye, Spock." When he did not move, she repeated it. He felt an unaccountable stubbornness. "Spock, if you don't go, I'll call security. Do you really want that?"  
  
He realized that she was serious. He had mishandled this badly. His regret deepened. He rose and made his way to the door. As he passed her he stopped for a moment, met her gaze, calm brown eyes to her angry blue ones. "I did not mean to add to your pain." He moved out into the hall the door closing quickly behind him. He stood in the hall for a moment unsure of his next move and he heard the faint sound of crying. *I cannot keep hurting her,* he realized. *She will not survive it.* As he walked out of her building, Spock was aware of a feeling more powerful than regret. Sadness he realized, and loss.  
  
The feeling of loss, of missing something that was a part of himself intensified until after several days he realized he needed to try again to explain himself to Christine. He returned to the apartment they had shared. Rang the chimes over and over. When she did not answer, he keyed in the code they had used. She had not changed it. He walked into the apartment. It was empty. Everything was gone. He walked to the comm unit, called Starfleet. A young ensign answered.  
  
"Can you tell me the present location of Commander Chapel?"  
  
The ensign checked her records. "That is unknown, sir."  
  
"I do not understand, Ensign. Clearly she has been reassigned?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Captain. Commander Chapel has resigned her commission. Her whereabouts are unknown. Was there anything else, sir?"  
  
"No, Ensign, good day." Spock absorbed this information, unable to fully fit Christine's flight into his plans. *Gone?* he did not understand the depth of sadness he felt at the news. *She has gone.* He knew that he could find her if he wished, but there was no point now. His bungled attempt at a reconciliation had contributed to, if not caused, her desire to leave.  
  
Spock walked around the apartment, went into the bedroom. He stood looking at where the bed had been. *I have memories. Strong memories. I should have told her that.*  
  
There was nothing for him here. He locked the door behind him as he left the apartment.  
  
**************************************************  
  
Christine's shuttle arrived at the Buraskii spaceport during the early evening. Dotura and Andrei were there to meet her. Seeing the two of them, she felt her heart lighten. *This will be the new start I wanted.*  
  
"Christine," Dotura ran to embrace her. "It's so good to see you! Andrei can attest that I have been counting the days till you arrived. This will be good for us and good for you." She took Christine's arm, led her down to the waiting transport she had requisitioned from the healer college. "Come, you're staying with us until you find a place of your own."  
  
Christine allowed herself to be overwhelmed with the sensations of being on Burask. The planet was as beautiful as ever. The air was comfortably warm with a slight breeze blowing. The scent of flowers on the air made her remember that night so long ago when she and Spock had danced. The memory was painful now but she didn't push it aside. *I have to start to feel things again. It's the only way I will ever heal.*  
  
She had thought she would die the night Spock came to her apartment. She realized it must have been difficult for him to come, to ask her what he did. But at the same time it had been so counter to the man she remembered seducing her. She would never know now if over time that man would have come back. But she really couldn't afford to have found out that he wouldn't reappear. She knew she had reacted in fear, but also to protect herself. She would not have survived another rejection from him. But to have to send him away, to be the one that ended any possibility of reconciliation, that had been the hardest thing she had ever done. She had let anger carry her. But once Spock had left she had felt the sorrow that seemed to always be with her take over. She had cried the entire night.  
  
Christine realized that Dotura was speaking to her, ".so I suggested that perhaps he could take you to dinner once you were settled in."  
  
"Who? I'm sorry, Dotura, I was lost in thought."  
  
Dotura scowled at her. "I was saying that Healer Marlen was quite interested to find out you were coming back to Burask to live. He wanted to know when it would be appropriate to come calling?"  
  
Christine remembered Marlen. He was about her age, gentle in manner with a wonderful sense of humor and a wealth of medical knowledge. She had been charmed by him and he had been quite taken with her, a fact that McCoy had teased her about frequently during their mission here. "Dotura, I'm not ready for another relationship."  
  
"I'm not saying you have to move in with the man. Just have dinner with him. You are too young to lock yourself away."  
  
Christine sighed, "I suppose there is no point in arguing with you?"  
  
Andrei snorted from the driver's seat. "Argue with *her*? You know she doesn't fight fair, Chris."  
  
"I know Andrei. I guess I'd forgotten how devious she was."  
  
Dotura pretended to be offended. "It's only for your own good."  
  
Christine reached around her seat, hugged Dotura quickly. "It's good to be back."  
  
She stayed with Dotura and Zarthakh for two weeks, then moved to a little house about five minutes from theirs. The house was built in the typical Buraskii fashion. With little variation in climate, the builders designed openness and light into the living spaces. The spacious patio became one of her favorite places. She often rested in a lounging chair near a tree filled with the fragrant white blossoms she loved. They should have made her sad, but in this place she found that they brought her peace. The whole tempo of the planet made her feel calmer. She still missed Spock terribly, but the raw pain of losing him seemed to be subsiding. She started sleeping through the night. Her dreams ceased to be things to be feared. And the work was exhilarating. She was finally making a difference that mattered. Sometimes it was a case brought in from the outside, other times she and Dotura and the other healers traveled off world to help with a medical crisis. But through it all she knew that they were touching people's lives.  
  
Healer Marlen also brought her a sense of peace. When he first approached her after her return she had explained that she was not looking for romance. He had accepted her friendship and had proved a winning companion. They often went to musical events, plays, and out to dinner. His gentle affection was a constant she came to count on. Christine recognized that he hoped that someday she would change her mind, and at times she even considered it. But she knew that it would not be fair to him. He deserved a woman that loved him with all her heart.  
  
Deep down though, Christine was still lonely. She didn't know what was missing until one day, about a year after she came to Burask, Dotura announced that she had a visitor. Christine looked up to see Saavik standing in the doorway of her office.  
  
"Saavik, my god. What are you doing here?" She rushed to her, hugged her tightly, felt Saavik hug her back even tighter. When they separated they both had tears in their eyes. Christine ushered Saavik to a chair. "Tell me everything, my dear."  
  
"Christine, I've left Vulcan. And I've left Starfleet. I was hoping to stay here with you for a while." Saavik looked at her tentatively.  
  
She didn't hesitate, "Of course you can stay with me. I'd be thrilled to have you. But what happened? You had such a promising career?"  
  
Saavik took a deep breath. "I know I did. And I really tried to find my place. But somehow, without Spock there, and when you left." she trailed off unhappily.  
  
"I knew you were having a hard time, that's why I called you as soon as I arrived here. I guess I didn't realize just how unhappy you were."  
  
Saavik shook her head. "No one did. I'm not sure I realized it. It built and built until finally I just couldn't do it anymore. I think when I first joined Starfleet, I did it to please Spock. I wanted him to be proud of me. I knew that in Starfleet I would be able to share a life with him. So I joined. And then I met you. You accepted me when it would have been so easy for you to be jealous of your time with him. You shared him. I don't know if you understand what that meant to me?"  
  
"It wasn't hard to share with you, Saavik, you were a delight to have around."  
  
Saavik laughed, "Unlike another that shall remain nameless? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I didn't have a family growing up. Spock and you were like the father and mother I never had. I was so happy when I found out you were going to bond. It would have made my dream of a family complete. But then the dream crumbled. Spock came back, but he just is not the same. I have tried to take your advice and accept that the Spock we knew is not coming back. But I miss him. And I can't stand the way that Valeris has taken him over. She is his perfect student now, and he has no time for me. Especially when I remind him of things he would rather forget."  
  
Saavik took a breath. "So I did some soul searching while I was on Vulcan and I realized that I didn't even like it there. I was trying to be the perfect Vulcan and I didn't even enjoy being Vulcan. I tried to remember the last time I was happy and it was the night before we left on the training cruise. It was when I was with you. So I thought that.well I know that I'm not really your daughter.but I thought maybe I could stay with you for a while."  
  
Christine walked over to Saavik, pulled her into another hug. "I may not have given birth to you but I would be touched and honored to consider you my daughter." She felt Saavik sob in her arms. She kissed her hair, "You'll find peace here, darling. We both will." Saavik had broken down then. Christine let her cry out the strain of the last year as she just held her. When she finally quieted, Christine led her to the door. "Come on, kiddo. Let's go home." The joy on Saavik's face melted the last bit of ice Christine had placed around her heart.  
  
Saavik settled in to the swing of Buraskii life quickly. She started helping Christine and Dotura with their duties and soon discovered an aptitude for medicine. It was Dotura that suggested she become a healer, noting that Saavik already had all the prerequisites as a science officer in Starfleet. Saavik took to the study program with an energy that impressed all the Buraskii. The young woman was soon earning top grades. Christine was happy to see how popular she was becoming with her peers. Happy with herself, Saavik had decided not to reject her Romulan half. She learned to meld logic and emotion the way the Buraskii did. And Christine noticed that they were both becoming content in their lives together. Saavik even welcomed Marlen, once urging Christine to give him more of a chance emotionally.  
  
Christine had smiled sadly. "Saavik, I can't do that to him. I still love Spock. Even though at the end I walked away from him, I loved him then and I'll love him till I die. It's just not something you replace. And Marlen is too sweet to make him settle for lukewarm feelings. He will eventually give up on me."  
  
Saavik shook her head. "Spock doesn't deserve you. You know that."  
  
Christine nodded. "It doesn't matter anyway, Saavik. Now don't you have a test to study for or something?"  
  
Several years passed in this way. Saavik finished her schooling and began her field training. She often accompanied Dotura or Christine off world. Christine found herself content and fulfilled. She realized to her surprise that the guilt she had thought would never leave her was gone. Her work here, her love for Saavik, her friendships with the other healers, all of these had allowed her to forgive herself. She hoped that some day she would be able to forgive Spock also.  
  
************************************************************  
  
Spock made his way to the briefing room. He was interested in hearing the medical team's report on the problems on Omega Five. Dr. Zarthakh was just beginning his briefing as Spock found a place in the back. The rest of the medical team sat behind Zarthakh. Spock was surprised to see Saavik among them. He had not seen her for several years. When the briefing ended he made his way up to Saavik. He greeted her in the formal Vulcan manner.  
  
She turned when she heard his words. "Spock, I wasn't expecting to see you here."  
  
He realized she had not returned his greeting. She looked different to him. Not just older he realized. Everything from her hair to her clothing was less controlled. less Vulcan. "I did not know that you had become a healer. I take it you are on Burask, now?" When she nodded assent, he pressed on. "With Christine?"  
  
She stiffened. "Yes, with Christine. Spock I have to go, we have another meeting with Starfleet medical."  
  
He stepped aside, then moved to catch her attention again. "Saavik, I would like the opportunity to talk with you. Perhaps you could stop by my office later today?" He saw her formulating an excuse, "Please?"  
  
She was surprised, "Please? All right, Spock. I will stop by after this meeting."  
  
As he made his way back he examined his feelings on seeing his former protégé. He had been surprised to hear that she had quit Starfleet. He had been even more disappointed when she left Vulcan. He had suspected she would go to Christine. He was surprised to feel jealousy that she had picked Christine over him. *Illogical,* he thought.  
  
His office was an oasis of calm in the busy Starfleet headquarters building. He gratefully sank down into his chair, the smell of his favorite incense relaxing him. He looked at the painting hanging opposite the desk. A Chagall, lost for centuries but rediscovered in the late 22nd century. It was a depiction of Adam and Eve, the Expulsion from Paradise. He had bought it shortly after discovering that Christine had left Earth. It reminded him that all things end. Some things prematurely.  
  
A knock on his door disturbed his reverie. "Come."  
  
Saavik entered the room. "You wanted to talk to me?"  
  
"Yes. I am gratified that you came." As Spock went to pour her a beverage, he saw her move to the painting.  
  
"A Chagall? The colors are wonderful. I have never understood his fascination with chickens, though." She raised an eyebrow, "But it is an interesting choice of subject matter. Losing paradise. Do you believe in paradise, Spock?  
  
"I do, Saavik."  
  
She turned toward him, asked bitterly, "Have you experienced it?"  
  
He gave her a resigned glance. "It has been my experience that we do not recognize Paradise until it is lost to us. This painting reminds me of that." He led her to the side couch. "Tell me how things go for you on Burask."  
  
She sat uneasily, watching him. "I am happy there. I believe I have found my calling."  
  
"You did not give Starfleet much of a chance," he chided.  
  
"I am not you, Spock. I found it nearly impossible to sublimate my Romulan nature. To be the Vulcan that you wanted me to be. On Burask they encourage me to embrace both sides of my heritage. They say it is what makes me unique. So I have learned to be at peace with being Romulan, something I was never able to do on Vulcan."  
  
*She is still angry with me,* Spock thought sadly. He had such fondness for this young woman. Lately he had realized she had been like a daughter to him. *I have hurt her too.* "And Christine, how is she?"  
  
"She is wonderful. She excels at her work. She is in great demand for assignments and social occasions. She is an exceptional woman."  
  
Spock remembered the time he had spent with Christine on Burask. "Yes, she is extraordinary. I would like to see her again. Perhaps in time our paths will cross again? All three of us."  
  
Saavik swallowed, "I do not think that would be a good idea."  
  
"I do not intend to hurt her again, Saavik." Spock reached for the words that would comfort Saavik but she interrupted him.  
  
"No, Spock, you will not hurt her again. Because if you do, I swear I will destroy you."  
  
A voice sounded from the doorway, "What a little savage you have become, Saavik." Valeris moved into the room, turned to Spock. "My apologies sir, but we had made arrangements to attend the lecture on the improvements to the transwarp drive. It is time to go." She turned back to Saavik, "I hope you are just here on a visit? I have enjoyed your absence."  
  
"As I have enjoyed not having to put up with you, ka'fe'era."  
  
Spock felt suddenly wearied by their bickering. "Saavik, it has been good to see you again. I wish you Godspeed on your journey." He watched her walk to the door, past a seemingly indifferent Valeris. "Give Christine my best wishes."  
  
Saavik stopped at the door, looked back at him, then at Valeris. "I don't think so, Spock. She is fine without them."  
  
As the door closed, Valeris moved up to stand next to him. "Seeing her troubles you?"  
  
He nodded, "There are memories that I value, memories that include Saavik"  
  
"And Christine?" Valeris queried.  
  
"And Christine. We should go now or we will miss the briefing." Spock led the way to the auditorium, missing completely the tight look that crossed Valeris' face.  
  
*Christine,* he thought, *Of all the things I have handled badly in this life, it will be you I regret the most.* He chose seats for Valeris and himself and sought forgetfulness in the lecture material.  
  
**********************************  
  
Christine looked up as Saavik stumbled into the kitchen. "I didn't hear you come in last night. How was Earth?"  
  
"It was Earth. The briefing went well. Starfleet has agreed to lift the quarantine on Omega Five so the mission was a success."  
  
Christine watched Saavik. She was too absorbed in her breakfast preparations. "Is there something else you want to tell me, Saavik?"  
  
"No."  
  
Christine prompted, "About Spock? That maybe you saw him?"  
  
Saavik turned to her in shock. Christine laughed, "Don't look at me that way. It was inevitable that you run into him eventually. I would never ask you to choose between us, you know. If you can rebuild some sort of relationship with him, I think that would be good."  
  
Saavik said nothing. Christine shook her head, "Saavik, you're upset that he and Valeris have reached an understanding?"  
  
The younger woman whirled around, "How can you be so calm when you say that. It's horrifying, the two of them. I wanted to vomit. No, I wanted to kill her. And then bring her back to life so I could kill her again."  
  
Christine laughed at the imagery. "Calm down, my dear. I've known for some time what was going on with them. I still have friends in Starfleet, you know. It hurts like hell that he's not with me, but I can't deny him the right to find happiness with someone else, even Valeris." She smiled fondly at her surrogate daughter, "After all, I have you, he should have something."  
  
"Gee thanks!" Saavik pretended to be offended. "Comparing the two of us." She came to sit at the table with Christine. "Seriously, why does he not see through her? I know that Amanda shares our opinion of her. And Sarek doesn't seem to care for her. Why is Spock so drawn to her?  
  
Christine was thoughtful for a moment, "I've thought about this a lot. Talked to Uhura quite a bit. She's had a chance to see Valeris in action. The girl is the quintessential Vulcan. Yet she has lived on Earth long enough to know how to maneuver easily around Humans. She is blazing her way through the Academy. And Spock is her sponsor. But more than that she has always worshipped him."  
  
"But that could describe me. I do not understand the difference." Saavik interjected.  
  
"You aren't full Vulcan." Christine tried to make the words less harsh, "You didn't know Spock when he was younger, Saavik. He had so many betrayals and pain. He was always trying to subdue his human half. But no matter what he did it seemed he could not win. T'Pring, his betrothed, humiliated him by challenging because she wanted a full Vulcan. His father never approved of his choice of joining Starfleet. The other Vulcans always treated him with suspicion. And now here is Valeris. She is fully Vulcan yet she desires him. She could be anything she wanted on Vulcan, yet she chooses to follow in his footsteps. She is fierce in protecting her relationship with him. Think how heady that must be for him. It is no wonder he is enchanted."  
  
"I never considered that. So he is blinded to her faults because all he sees is her Vulcan-ness. I do not know if it makes it any easier to take, but I will consider this."  
  
They were silent for a bit. Then Saavik said quietly, "You miss him a lot, don't you?"  
  
"Every day, Saavik. I am not sure if it is a blessing or a curse to find the one meant for you. To have known great love is a wonderful thing. But to lose it. To know that you will never have it back. It hurts sometimes more than I can bear." She felt tears welling up, "And I don't like to think of the two of them together, Saavik, despite my rational words. If I had to see them together, I think I would die."  
  
Saavik reached over and wiped the tears from Christine's cheeks. "I think that sometimes you think that you didn't deserve him and that is why you lost him. But it isn't true, you know. He doesn't deserve you. Perhaps he never has. And I don't care why he chose Valeris, he picked the wrong woman."  
  
Christine smiled at Saavik's fierce loyalty. She pulled her into a tight embrace and heard Saavik whisper, "I hope she hurts him the way he has hurt you."  
  
*****************************************  
  
Spock lay meditating in his quarters. Unaccustomed emotions warring inside him. Rage at Valeris' betrayal. Humiliation at having been taken in completely by her. Loss that she was not what she seemed, *I was going to bond with her. Have I been so blind?* It had been a month since disaster was averted and the peace accords signed. But he could not seem to move past the pain.  
  
He thought back to the last time he had seen Saavik. Nearly four years now. *She always hated Valeris. I should have paid attention. But I thought it was just her loyalty to Christine that made her choose to dislike Valeris.* He thought of word reaching Saavik and Christine of the matter. *Saavik has learned to indulge her Romulan nature. She will be enjoying this. But Christine.Christine will probably only feel compassion.* He wasn't sure which made him feel worse.  
  
He looked at the Chagall. When this mission started, Valeris had again questioned the painting's presence in his quarters. She knew that it represented Christine to him even though he had never said so explicitly. She had figured it out long ago. But she would not address it directly, always questioning the subject matter, the colors, the brush strokes. *Saavik questioned the chicken,* his mind provided irrelevantly.  
  
He sought the deeper level of his meditation but could not find his center. He abandoned the pretense and began to pace his quarters. He had taken out his rage on Valeris on the bridge, when Kirk had asked him to meld with her to get the information on the conspiracy. He had enjoyed what he had done. It did him no credit but he had wanted to punish her. His attack on her mind had been savage. Fortunately something had called him back to himself before he had caused irreparable damage. He had been shaken by his violence. As Valeris had looked at him, trembling in pain and shock, he had turned away from her. Left her alone to face the consequences of her crimes. Now in the Starfleet holding facility, she had requested to see him several times, but he would not go. *Let her rot,* he thought angrily.  
  
"Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end." He remembered telling that to Valeris. And to Kirk he had said, "I was prejudiced by her accomplishments as a Vulcan." What was it about Valeris that had made her so appealing to him. He tried to remember his attraction to her, when had it come about. He compared it to how he remembered feeling about Christine. Realized they were not comparable. But Valeris had been a Vulcan. And so he had automatically deemed her more suitable, more valuable.  
  
He stared at the Chagall. *When was the last time I was happy?,* he wondered suddenly. *Have I ever really been happy.* He knew the answer. He had this very expensive painting to remind him daily.  
  
It was suddenly very clear. *I must get her back. I do not know how but I *will* win her back.* For now though, he had to report for duty. Outwardly serene he made his way to the bridge, but his mind was already plotting.  
  
It was nearly three months before the perfect opportunity presented itself. Vamora was one of the worlds loosely allied with the Klingon Empire. Since the disaster at Praxis, Vamora and the worlds like it had found themselves cut off and abandoned. They were suspicious of the Federation, yet they needed its help. Spock, as special envoy was working to extend the first diplomatic overtures to these worlds. Vamora was a special case however. There was an outbreak of Calaxian fever and they did not have the healers necessary to fight it. Normally Starfleet would send in a team of its own medics. But the leaders on Vamora were reluctant to let Federation troops, even of the medical variety, on their soil. They had agreed, however, to allow access to Buraskii healers.  
  
Now Spock had to make sure that Christine would be among the healers. He had not seen her even once in the seven years since she had left Earth. He surmised she was not accepting any assignments that might bring her into contact with him. So Spock had to find a way to make sure Dotura included her. He was glad he knew the healer as well as he did. His plan was simple, but the logic was elegant. He would simply tell the healer *not* to include Christine. The likeliest outcome was that Dotura would be so offended that she would do the opposite; he had noticed that she was a person that let her emotions dictate her response. Of course there was the possibility she would realize that he had anticipated her contrariness. She would comprehend that Spock *wanted* Christine to be included. And in that case her natural matchmaking tendencies would take over. Yes, she would insist that Christine come in either case. His plan was logical. The uncertainty principle was low as it played to both Dotura's strengths and weaknesses. And ethically he need not feel guilty for it. Christine was an excellent physician. The Vamorans could only benefit from her presence. It was perfect.  
  
*I have to play this carefully. I will not get another chance with Christine, even if Saavik doesn't kill me first,* he thought ruefully.  
  
His course decided, Spock began dictating his message to Dotura.  
  
************** ********************************  
  
Christine looked at Dotura incredulously. "Why are you insisting that I go with you to Vamora? You know that it's a former Klingon world. Spock is the special envoy to the Klingon Empire. The chances of running into him are fairly high."  
  
"Maybe it is time to stop hiding from him?" Dotura challenged her stubbornly.  
  
Christine really couldn't understand her friend's insistence. "You haven't objected in the past to my 'hiding.' What's different this time?"  
  
Dotura scowled at her. "Christine, since we've been working together here have I ever asked you to do anything you didn't want to?" At Christine negative she continued, "You are the best friend I've ever had, Christine. I would never hurt you. You know that?"  
  
Christine nodded, "Dotura you've saved me. Over and over."  
  
"Then I want you to trust me. I want you to come with me to Vamora. Face Spock so that you can move on. He's like a spectre haunting your life. You need to move forward."  
  
Christine felt her pleasant world slipping away, "But I am happy here, Dotura. Why do this?"  
  
Her friend grabbed her shoulders as if to shake her. "You aren't happy. You are content. There is a difference! I think you can be happy again. But not until you quit running from Spock."  
  
"I don't like this," Christine grumbled, knowing she had lost already.  
  
"We'll bring Saavik with us. You know she'll protect you! It'll be fun to see her torment Spock. Won't it." she teased.  
  
Christine couldn't help but laugh. "All right, we take Saavik and if he so much as looks at me funny I'm going to let her kill him."  
  
"Good then. See we already have a plan." Dotura hugged her impulsively. "Just be brave, Christine. It's time to face the bogeyman."  
  
*********************************************  
  
Spock prowled the beam down site. He knew his assistant was bemused by his odd agitation, but he could not stand still. The Buraskii healers were due to arrive any time. He did not know if Christine would be among them. Dotura had refused to give him the final complement of the medical contingent, claiming she had not finalized the list.  
  
"Sir," his assistant came up. "The Buraskii are signaling for beam down."  
  
*Finally.* He turned to the young man. "Tell them to proceed when ready, Mr. Dalton."  
  
"Acknowledged, sir."  
  
The familiar hum of the transporter began. Spock watched the team materialize. He scanned quickly and saw her in the front with Dotura. *So. It begins.* He felt satisfaction as he saw her image solidify.  
  
"Welcome to Vamora, doctors. I trust your journey was without incident?"  
  
Dotura replied with a pleasantry of her own. Spock nodded his greetings to the rest of the team as they moved aside so the next group could beam down. He turned to Christine and said, "It is good to see you, Christine. It has been too many years."  
  
"Spock." He could tell she was uncertain what approach to take with him. She hurried after Dotura, obviously eager to escape him.  
  
*There is nowhere to run, Christine.*  
  
He turned to another member of the team. In Vulcan he questioned, "Are you here as healer or as bodyguard?"  
  
Saavik responded in the same tongue, "Whichever is called for, Spock."  
  
He nodded, "I do not doubt that. I am sure that you heard about Valeris."  
  
"Yes. Did her betrayal hurt you?"  
  
He looked at her thoughtfully. "Yes, it hurt a great deal."  
  
She gave him a wicked smile. "Good." She started to walk toward the others, then turned back. "You want Christine back, don't you?"  
  
"You object?"  
  
She considered the question. "I do not know yet. Tread carefully, Spock. I will not see her hurt again."  
  
He accepted her warning, watched her move off. *I do not plan to hurt her again.*  
  
*************************************  
  
Christine worked with the rest of the team to unpack their supplies and equipment. She was irritated that her heart had leapt when she saw Spock. And she had been unaccountably glad that he had made a special effort to greet her. *Gods, it is like I am back on the Enterprise all those years ago. I thought I outgrew this. I've got to get hold of myself.*  
  
She heard Saavik come up. Saw her smug look. *Oh-oh. Saavik the lioness has been here." Amused, despite herself, she smiled at the young woman. "Did you have a nice reunion, dear?"  
  
Saavik glared at her. "Sarcasm doesn't become you, Christine." She began to help with the supplies. After a while she said thoughtfully, "He mentioned Valeris. He admitted that her actions hurt him."  
  
"And I don't suppose you wished you could spare him that sort of pain."  
  
Saavik shot her an amused glance. "Spare him the pain? I'd like to double it! One for you and one for me." At Christine's disapproval, she shrugged, "It's the Romulan way."  
  
Dotura interrupted them. "Ok folks. We have a near epidemic on our hands. We need to get set up as soon as we can. Saavik and Christine, I need you with me. We are going on a tour of the surrounding towns. We need to advise the town leaders on quarantine procedures. The rest of you continue to set up this camp and get the take-away equipment ready. We'll probably be using this as a base camp once we disperse teams to the quarantine areas." She looked at her team. Satisfied that they were ready she continued, "Word is already out that we are here. Spock warned me that even though they are supposed to have formal approval from their town leaders, these people might not wait for it to come before they start beating down our doors." She looked at the tents that had been set up for them. "Well, if we had doors."  
  
While the rest of the healers went about their duties, Dotura led Christine and Saavik toward a waiting shuttle. Christine was dismayed to see Spock and his assistant waiting for them. *Dotura, why are you doing this to me?* She chose a seat near the window. Saavik slid in next to her and Dalton grabbed the outside chair. He nodded to Saavik, "You are Vulcan?"  
  
She snapped, "And Romulan."  
  
"Really?" He smiled, obviously intrigued.  
  
"Does that make you happy for some reason?"  
  
He tried to swallow his smile. "I just find it unique. I guess that explains your vitality."  
  
"My vitality?"  
  
"He means your temper," Dotura shot back from the facing row of seats. "Go easy, Mr. Dalton. Our Saavik's a handful. Do you really think you can tame her?"  
  
Dalton began to stammer in embarrassment. Spock came to his rescue. "They are teasing you, Mr. Dalton. I suggest you make up your own mind about Saavik."  
  
Christine and Saavik both looked at him in surprise. He cocked an eyebrow at them before returning to his conversation with Dotura.  
  
Dalton whispered to Saavik, "I didn't mean to offend you, Dr. Saavik."  
  
He looked so uncomfortable Saavik had to take pity on him. "You didn't. But perhaps we could concentrate on the mission."  
  
Christine watched the two of them together. *Maybe he'll be the one to win her over?* Christine worried that Saavik was alone too much. She had socialized with some of the Buraskii healers, but the relationships always stayed casual. Christine sometimes wondered if her own relationship with Spock had poisoned Saavik's view of love. *Don't judge by us,* she thought sadly.  
  
Christine looked up and met Spock's eyes. He was looking at her intently. For a moment she allowed herself to stare back at him, then broke the connection. *What was that?* she thought frantically. She sneaked another look at him. His gaze had not wavered. As she stared back at him she saw the intent look replaced by another. A look she hadn't expected to see again. It was tenderness.  
  
The shuttle seemed suddenly far too small. She felt the beginning of panic. A small sound must have escaped her because Saavik turned to her. "Christine, are you all right?"  
  
Christine nodded. Saavik studied her. Then she turned to Spock and glared. Christine hissed, "Stop it, Saavik, he didn't do anything." Saavik looked at her confused. *I'm confused too,* Christine thought. *He doesn't have to do more than look at me and it all starts again. I can't let that happen.*  
  
She smiled at the others in the shuttle, offering an excuse. "I'm just tired."  
  
"You should rest." Spock advised. "The days will be long here, better take sleep where you can find it."  
  
"Good idea," Christine agreed. She leaned her head back against the seat. At first she pretended to rest, but the movement of the shuttle and the soft drone of conversation was relaxing. Soon she was fast asleep.  
  
***********************************  
  
Following her friend's lead, Dotura slept in the seat next to him. Saavik and Dalton were deep in an animated discussion. Ignored for now, Spock watched Christine sleep. *I had forgotten how peaceful she looks when she sleeps.* He remembered how he had spent many nights holding her, just watching her. *She was loveliest by moonlight,* he mused.  
  
Christine shifted a bit. He looked away lest she catch him staring. When she appeared to be still asleep he resumed his study of her. *She looks much healthier than when I last saw her.* She was older now but it was not that apparent save for some gray in her hair. He liked that she let it show, sensing it was from comfort with herself rather than disregard for her appearance. She had a vivacity now that he had not seen in her since the time before his death. Obviously her move to Buraskii had agreed with her. He felt momentarily guilty that he planned to disturb her life. *No, we knew great happiness once. We can find it again.*  
  
He felt suddenly that someone was looking at him. He glanced over to see that Saavik had caught him staring at Christine. He expected a sharp word, a warning. Instead her expression softened and she smiled at him. Then she turned back to Dalton. *Unexpected,* Spock thought.  
  
The shuttle soon landed at the first settlement, and the team began the first of many consultations. They met with the town leaders, inspected the existing medical facilities and supplies, made recommendations on the best place for quarantine areas. By the end of the day they had covered three large settlements and six smaller ones. The team gratefully made their way back to the shuttle to fly back to the healer camp.  
  
Spock listened as Dotura and Christine compared notes on the settlements. He was surprised at the way they seemed to operate seamlessly, the perfect team. *Like Jim and myself,* he realized. He watched as they quickly formulated a system for handling these visits. Saavik joined in whenever she had a point to contribute, clearly at ease letting the other two take the lead. Spock was impressed with her, with all of them. *They are doing what they were meant to do.*  
  
The shuttle landed and the team filed out. The healers made their way to their camp, while Spock and Dalton discussed the next day's plan with the pilot. Dalton kept looking over at the camp until Spock finally asked, "Is there something over in the camp that has captured your interest?"  
  
Startled, Dalton looked at his superior. "Mr. Spock?" he asked in confusion.  
  
Spock took a pad from the pilot, copied their agenda for the next day and gave it to Dalton. "I think that Dotura needs this tonight. Perhaps you could take it to her?"  
  
Dalton looked at Spock in surprise. "Yes sir, I'll see that Saavik, I mean Dotura gets it."  
  
Amused, Spock made his way alone to his quarters. He too wanted something in the camp, had to fight his desire to spend more time with Christine. He must play this carefully. Too much too soon and he would spook her. He had to win her over the same way she had won him back on Burask so many years ago. Slowly, nearly unnoticeably, until it was too late to do anything but surrender to the inevitable. *Soon, Christine, soon.*  
  
*********************************************  
  
The days began to blur together for Christine. After their initial week of town visits to set up the quarantine areas, the healers had split up, forming small teams to handle each settlement. They drafted the local medical force as well as some of the townspeople who had recovered from the fever to help with the nursing and cleanup duties.  
  
Dotura had stayed at the capital encampment to lead the effort and had kept Christine and Saavik with her. They were working with a large number of patients as well as coordinating supply runs to the other settlements. Spock and Dalton, having little to do in the way of diplomatic duties, pitched in and worked wherever the healers needed them.  
  
Christine was amused to watch Dalton and Saavik together. Saavik seemed irritated by his attention, but Christine suspected this was just pretense. Dalton was an engaging companion. Christine had come to enjoy her interactions with him. He seemed a fine young man. She hoped that Saavik was discovering that too. In any case, Christine admired his tenacity. He would not be budged from his orbit around Saavik.  
  
"Is there anything I can do for you?" Spock's resonant voice sounded close to her ear. "I believe you had some equipment you needed moved?"  
  
She nodded, still uncertain around him. He had treated her with great courtesy, even a gentle affection. But if Dalton was a satellite around Saavik, Spock was like her shadow. She found it difficult to shake him. Yet his behavior was perfectly acceptable, seemingly only concerned with helping her accomplish her mission. *So why does he make me so nervous?*  
  
"Do you think she will accept him?" Spock asked her, looking over at Saavik and Dalton.  
  
"I don't know. He seems like a nice young man." She directed him to carry the heavy monitor over to the far side of the tent. He picked it up as if it weighed nothing. *I'd forgotten how strong he is.* As she watched him move some other boxes, her thoughts drifted to the times he would scoop her up as if she were a child. *Stop it,* she warned, *this isn't helping.*  
  
Spock's voice behind her caused an involuntary shiver. "He is an accomplished staff officer. And I believe that in time he will make an excellent diplomat. He is both clever and highly ethical. I have never regretted selecting him as my assistant. Saavik could do much worse." He looked around, "Was there anything else to be moved?"  
  
She shook her head, replied stiffly, "That's it, Spock. Thank you." She started to gather up the supplies to make her rounds.  
  
"Christine," his voice made her turn around. He moved closer to her. "You do not have to be uncomfortable with me."  
  
"I'm not," Christine snapped. "I'm preoccupied with the enormity of the task here. I'm sorry if my behavior is a bit off."  
  
He raised an eyebrow, "A lie?"  
  
She looked at him for a long moment before replying. "I prefer to think of it as a defense."  
  
"You seek to protect yourself? From me?" Spock looked searchingly at her. "It was not I that ran away, Christine."  
  
Suddenly angry, Christine finished gathering her items together. "I'm really not comfortable with this conversation, Spock. If you'll excuse me."  
  
*Damn him!* Christine fought to control her emotions. Her patients needed a calm, reassuring presence. Not this wreck of warring feeling that she was becoming. *Damn, damn, damn!*  
  
Almost against her will, she looked back at Spock. He had not moved. For several seconds he held her gaze calmly before turning away to see if Dotura needed his assistance.  
  
*Damn him.* Christine repeated. *How can he get to me this way after all these years!*  
  
***********************************  
  
Spock looked back at Christine. *I have upset her.* He studied her for a moment, outwardly she appeared calm enough but he had seen her expression before she had turned away. *Her emotions are volatile. I must be careful.*  
  
As if reading his thoughts, Dotura looked up from her blood samples. "I hope you know what the hell you're doing, Spock?" At his surprised look, she let out an exasperated sigh. "Spock, she's asked me to transfer her to another camp, twice. My guess is this was perhaps not what you were aiming for when you began this little courtship?"  
  
"So you knew?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "It wasn't really that subtle. Besides, I've known it was just a matter of time before you came to your senses. Some people love for just a short time. Others love for a lifetime and beyond. You and Christine I expect to be the latter variety. But it isn't going to happen, Mr. Diplomat, if you can't get her to stop running away from you!"  
  
He nodded thoughtfully. "She does not trust me. It is hard to get her to slow down enough to talk."  
  
"Well," Dotura said evenly, "maybe if you stopped stalking her she might come to you." She raised an eyebrow in a perfect imitation of his then turned away from him, focused again on her work, "Now, I have to get back to these blood samples before they're ruined."  
  
Spock looked over at the patient beds. Christine was sitting with a young boy. He saw her ruffle the child's hair as she made him laugh. Relaxing him before beginning the exam. *Interesting,* he mused.  
  
Turning away from the healer's tent he made his way to the small break area the Buraskii had set up in the little park beyond the encampment. Several lounging chairs with thick cushions were arranged in the open area. The healers had taken to sleeping in shifts, electing to rest here under the stars and the twin moons rather than back in the hospital tent. There was no one else using the area as Spock chose one of the chairs and began to meditate on what Dotura had said. At first he found it difficult to concentrate as images of Christine kept playing in his head. Her smile, her laugh, her hands as she touched a sick Vamoran. *Stop. Seek the stillness.* Finally he felt himself sinking into the depths of the meditation he sought.  
  
"Oh," he heard at the edges of his consciousness. He brought himself up slowly and looked over to see Christine staring at him. She looked like she was about to flee back to the hospital.  
  
"It is pleasant here," he said casually. "Did you wish to rest?"  
  
She shook her head. "No, it's alright. I didn't realize you were using the area." She turned to go but he was already rising from his chair.  
  
"If it makes you uncomfortable that I am here, I will leave. You stay, Christine. You are exhausted. You need to sleep." He began to walk back to the hospital.  
  
"Spock," her voice was tentative. "Wait. You don't have to leave just because.just because I'm not at ease with you. Please, sit."  
  
He came slowly back. "I will stay if you do." She nodded and they both sat down in a lounger.  
  
"The moons are beautiful, aren't they?"  
  
Spock said evenly, "Christine, you do not need to make small talk with me." He heard her begin to protest. He turned to her, "You need sleep. Rest. I will not disturb you." He turned back to the moons and prepared to resume his meditation posture.  
  
"I am tired." He could sense her gaze on him. Then he heard the cushions shifting as she lay back. He heard her mumble, "So tired."  
  
He glanced over to see her face go slack as exhaustion claimed her. He shifted in the chair until he could comfortably watch her. *Watch over you,* he corrected. For hours he sat there as the light and shadows of the twin moons played on her face.  
  
*So lovely,* he thought as the ache that was his desire for her intensified.  
  
*************************************************  
  
Christine felt a gentle touch on her arm. She opened her eyes surprised to find it was morning.  
  
"Good morning," an amused voice said. Saavik looked over at a still sleeping Spock. "I'm surprised you let him get this close?"  
  
"He was meditating when I arrived. I didn't expect him to still be here. Should we wake him?"  
  
Saavik's voice was unaccountably gentle, "No, let him sleep. I think he needs it."  
  
As they made their way back to the healer tent, Christine looked at Saavik curiously. "I'm surprised a little, Saavik. You seem to be mellowing when it comes to Spock?"  
  
Saavik considered this. "For seven years now I have wanted the old Spock back. And been consistently hurt when he did not appear. But here on Vamora I am seeing a man that is closer to the Spock we lost than ever before. It would be illogical to treat him badly when he is finally behaving in the manner that we wish. Do you not agree?"  
  
"Makes sense." Christine stopped as she entered the hospital, entranced by the scene before her. Dalton had assembled a group of children, now well on the road to recovery, and was entertaining them with an impromptu magic show. "Saavik, look."  
  
Saavik nodded, "He asked me if it was all right. The children were a little bored. I saw no harm in it."  
  
"Where did he learn it?"  
  
Saavik explained, "Michael did not have full funding for his education. He supplemented his income during that time by performing magic trips in public and at private parties."  
  
Christine grinned at her. "Michael?"  
  
Saavik raised an eyebrow and gave Christine her best Vulcan look. "It *is* his name."  
  
Christine just smiled at her as they started their rounds.  
  
As the days progressed, the healers finally saw the stream of new cases decreasing. Soon they would only have to deal with treating secondary infections. Not long after that they would be able to leave. Christine found herself ambivalent. While she was tired of living out of a hospital tent and looked forward to returning to her little house on Burask, there was the issue of Spock.  
  
Her gaze found him as he assisted Saavik with rounds on the far side of the tent. Since that night that she had happened upon him at the sleeping area, the night they had both fallen asleep outside in the moonlight, a new ease had grown between them. He no longer seemed to be dogging her every movement, and consequently she no longer felt the need to keep her guard up all the time. They might go a whole day without doing more than stopping to discuss a treatment or therapy, but every night when she settled in for a rest she would find Spock meditating in the chair next to the one she always chose. They would spend a short amount of time in casual conversation. Then he would return to his meditations while she fell asleep. He was usually gone by the time she awoke but occasionally he would fall asleep there. If she woke first she allowed herself the luxury of studying his face.  
  
*So much time has passed. How can I still feel so much for him?* The thought did not panic her any longer. Perhaps she and Spock had arrived at the point where they could be friends.  
  
********************************  
  
Spock was finding even the fabled Vulcan patience had limits. *I do not seem to be making progress.* While he was gratified that Christine no longer avoided him, the downside of following Dotura's advice was that he did not get to spend much time with her. *At least when she is awake,* he reminded himself. He had made it a point to meditate each night at a time that would put him near her when she retired for the evening. It allowed them some small interaction as well as the opportunity for him to watch her as she slept. The exercise though was adding to his frustration rather than alleviating it. *Perhaps she no longer desires me?* The thought only made Spock feel worse.  
  
On the positive side, his relationship with Saavik was improving daily. He realized that he owed some of that to young Dalton. The young man worshipped Spock. With Saavik allowing him in more and more, she was also allowing Spock in. And Spock was grateful. He regretted having lost her and wanted her back in his life almost as much as he wanted Christine. It would be an elegant solution if she ended up with Mr. Dalton. *He has done better with her than I expected. Perhaps I should get pointers from him?* Spock thought wryly.  
  
He watched as Christine finished her rounds and began to ready some blood samples for study. *Enough inaction.* He moved over to the lab table and waited until she was able to stop for a moment.  
  
"Spock?"  
  
Looking into her eyes, he found that any words he had prepared were rapidly deserting him. "Christine, I am sorry to disturb you. I need to return to my office for a while. There is correspondence I must catch up on."  
  
"Fine. Things are quiet here." She turned back to the samples.  
  
"I am not finished." Surprised, she turned back to him. He fought the need to take a deep breath. "I would like.there are many things unsaid.I would like to have the time to talk to you. Away from here." The panicked look was returning to her face. He continued quickly, "I believe there are things we need to put behind us, Christine. But we cannot do that if we avoid the subject. Would you join me for dinner tonight? In my quarters? It will afford us an opportunity to resolve many things."  
  
She did not seem eager to accept his offer. He found himself looking into her eyes, as if he could sway her decision with sheer will. *Say yes,* he thought intently, *just say yes.*  
  
"Spock, I don't know. We're doing ok here. Aren't we?"  
  
*Perhaps you are,* he thought acerbically. "I have the need for closure. Over the years I have remembered many things about my past, including our life together. I have regrets. I would like the opportunity to discuss them with you."  
  
She was silent for so long he was sure that he had lost. Just as he was preparing to turn away, she said, "All right. I'll come by when I finish my shift."  
  
The relief he felt was overwhelming. He showed none of it when he answered, "Excellent. I anticipate that moment."  
  
She gave him a little half smile and went back to her work. Spock turned away and headed for town. His mind plotting furiously even before he was out of the tent.  
  
*****************************  
  
Christine found herself distracted through the rest of the afternoon. She worked with Saavik as they made their rounds while Dotura rested in the sleeping area. But a good part of her mind was puzzling Spock's invitation. *What does he want with me?* A part of her, even after all these years, had not given up the hope that she would get him back. A larger part of her, however, was terrified of the damage he could do to the peace she had found on Burask, the happiness she had forged out of the rubble of the life they had shared. She sighed heavily.  
  
"Something is bothering you?"  
  
She did not turn away from the sleeping patient she was checking as she replied to Saavik. "No, just tired."  
  
She felt a hand on her arm, looked up into Saavik's sympathetic face. "It is more than just being tired. What is wrong?"  
  
"It's nothing, Saavik, go back to work."  
  
Her friend erupted into a stream of Romulan profanity. "I warned him. What has he done?"  
  
*Spock,* Christine realized, *She means Spock.* She shook her head before Saavik could say more. "He hasn't done anything, yet."  
  
"Yet?" Saavik repeated, clearly confused. "Explain."  
  
"He asked me to join him for dinner tonight." Christine trailed off.  
  
Saavik prompted, "And this upsets you because.?"  
  
Christine sighed in frustration. "I don't know. I'm just afraid. Of what he's going to say. Or what he's not going to say. I've worked so hard to try to put him behind me, Saavik. But just a few weeks with him and the feelings have all come flooding back."  
  
"And the feelings scare you?"  
  
Christine tried to find the words. "The feelings aren't just the good ones, Saavik. I've found peace. Some of that peace has come from avoiding those things that upset me. Spock is one of those things. The feelings he evokes in me, most of them aren't positive. I feel anger and sadness and fear. I can remember the love too, but there are seven years of pain between that and now. I'm not sure that anything he could tell me tonight is worth releasing these feelings again."  
  
Saavik nodded as she digested Christine's words. She looked at Christine searchingly. "If you could have him back in your life. If you could have his love back. Would you want it?"  
  
Christine did not answer at once. "I once thought that I would do anything if only Spock would love me. That younger me would have died for him. I nearly did. I'm not sure that I want to walk through that particular hell again. Even if it meant that he waited at the end of it." She looked helplessly at Saavik. "Does that make me a coward?"  
  
Saavik took reached to pull her into a gentle hug. "Possibly. But I am not sure anyone could blame you for feeling that way." They stood quietly for a moment. Then Saavik whispered, 'I think you should go to him, Christine. I think you have to risk it."  
  
Christine closed her eyes in resignation. "Risk it?" She pulled away from Saavik. "Dotura said I should face the bogeyman. You think so too. Why is it that all I want to do is find the nearest shuttle and get the hell off this planet?"  
  
Saavik laughed softly, "Because you are the one that has to do the facing. We get to just give advice. Now, why not head out? I can handle things here until Dotura wakes up."  
  
Christine felt her heart sink. "I'm not really done with my rounds."  
  
Saavik gave her a stern look, "Christine, I will finish. Now go."  
  
Christine took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and moved off toward town, toward Spock.  
  
"That's right," she heard Saavik murmur encouragingly. She was out of range when Saavik frowned and promised, "If you hurt her, Spock, I'll kill you. I swear it."  
  
*****************************************  
  
Spock fought the urge to look again at the chronometer. *She will arrive when she is meant to arrive.* His logical words did nothing to stop the flutters of anticipation he felt. *Tonight this chase must end.*  
  
He tried to bring his attention back to the status reports in front of him. He could smell the aroma of the Vamoran stew he had bought. It was simple but savory and filling. Some fresh bread and fruit sat on the set table. Spock had refused the innkeeper's offer of a bottle of the local wine. *There must be nothing but clear heads tonight.* He remembered the potent latha of Burask and how it had loosened his tongue when he had first decided to pursue Christine. He did not need it this time. Moreover he did not want her to be able to attribute any action he might take tonight to his being intoxicated.  
  
A soft knocking on the doors to his quarters interrupted his musing. *Christine, it begins now.* He opened the door to her, invited her in. As she moved past him he asked if she was hungry.  
  
"Starving," she admitted.  
  
"Then I suggest we eat now. We can talk later." He led her to the small dining table in the corner of the sleeping quarters. He brought them both generous helpings of the stew. A large container of cold water already sat on the table. He filled their glasses and offered her some of the bread and fruit. They ate in an easy silence for a bit.  
  
Christine stopped first. She pushed the bowl away from her. "That was good. I didn't realize how hungry I was until you asked."  
  
"Perhaps you had other things on your mind," he offered.  
  
She shot him a surprised glance, "Medical things you mean?"  
  
He turned to meet her gaze calmly. "No, that is not what I meant. I would think that you would have been as preoccupied with thoughts of this meeting as I have been?"  
  
He saw that he had startled her again. *I am sorry, Christine. The time for subtlety is past.*  
  
"I have been thinking about it," she admitted. "Worrying about it would probably be more accurate," she added honestly.  
  
He rose to clear the table. "Perhaps we could move to the couch? It is more comfortable I believe."  
  
She allowed him to lead her across the room to the living area. He could tell she was deliberately ignoring the bed in the corner. *So, you do care,* he thought with satisfaction. He felt a strong jolt of frustration. *One mind meld would solve this.* But he knew that if he suggested it now while she was still so suspicious of him he would lose her forever. *We will do this the hard way,* he thought in resigned irritation.  
  
She sat at the end of the small couch. He took a seat near the other end. For just a moment he allowed himself to appreciate her attractiveness. He felt himself drawn to her. He realized that he was also sensing her own attraction to him. But overlaying that, he felt her mistrust of him.  
  
"Christine, I wanted to discuss what has happened since circumstances forced us apart."  
  
The soft look on her face changed to one of bitterness. "Circumstances, Spock? Seems to me that it was you and I that bear the blame for destroying our relationship. I, through my actions on Genesis. And you, Spock, for consistently rejecting me."  
  
He felt her anger. "I came back to you. I tried to convince you to give us another chance. You refused."  
  
She was becoming agitated. "You expect me to believe that.that.that the emotionless proposition you put forward was something I was supposed to take seriously? I told you then, I tell you again, we loved. I wanted that back. Not some futile attempt to see if it even existed."  
  
"I admit that my tactics were clumsy. But I came back several days later. You were no longer there. After that I never had the chance again. I looked for you each time I saw a Buraskii medical team. I asked Saavik about you. I did feel something. And over time I felt more and more. But you were not around." He gazed at her accusingly.  
  
She looked away from him. "You had Valeris. Do you think I don't know that you were with her? You say you remembered loving me. Then why was it so easy for you to just forget me and be with her?"  
  
He could feel the pain within her awakening. *She has chained it for too long.* Her anger was also there, an unstable element that could cause her to flee if he was not careful. "I was blinded by Valeris' accomplishments as a Vulcan," he said simply.  
  
Christine seemed to lose some of her anger. "I told Saavik that. All the things you went through as a youth.Valeris was some kind of validation you could only get from a full Vulcan. It still hurt me, Spock."  
  
"I know. I regret all of the pain that I have caused you. As a Vulcan it is not in my nature to wish. But in this case, I do wish that I could take back all of the things I have put you through. I wish that things could have been different."  
  
She looked at him with eyes that no longer believed. "But they aren't different. What has happened, it can't ever be taken back. Not ever. And there really isn't anything more to talk about, is there?" She moved to get up.  
  
*I am losing her,* he realized. He reached out, touched her arm. Felt the overwhelming emotions that were buffeting her. Pain, sorrow, guilt, grief, resentment, anger, fear, and hopelessness. *No!* he thought as she wrenched her arm away.  
  
"Spock, I thought I could do this. But I find that I can't. Thank you for dinner." She started toward the door.  
  
"Christine!" the word came out in a roar. Shocked she turned back to him. He felt as if the ground was slipping away beneath him. *Stop her, hold her, keep her," his heart screamed at him.  
  
"I love you. I desire you. Do not leave me. Do not leave me again."  
  
He stood across from her, chest heaving in his attempt to control the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him. *Decide, decide now!* He watched her as she stood staring at him. The myriad emotions assailing her were apparent to him.  
  
"Please?" he added miserably. "Please do not go?"  
  
******************************  
  
Christine stood across from Spock. She felt as though she were being torn apart. *Run,! her mind ordered. *Stay!* another part countermanded. She started to tremble with the strain of her choice.  
  
Spock had not moved. He stood like a statue. Only his clenched hands betrayed him now. That and the expression on his face. It was the most naked yearning she had ever seen on his face.  
  
She stood frozen. Her heart seemed to beat hard enough to explode through her chest. *Want him so bad,* her treasonous mind seemed to whisper. *Need him. Lonely, so lonely without him.* She let out a moan, covered her face with her hands.  
  
"Christine." She looked at him through her fingers. "Christine, come to me. Do not be afraid. I want you. I love you. But this has to be your choice. You have to choose me."  
  
Her hands dropped to her side, she felt her trembling increase. "I'm afraid, Spock. So afraid of you. Of me. Of us." Tears began to well in her eyes. "Let me go, Spock. Please let me go."  
  
He shook his head. "I cannot." He slowly opened his arms to her. "Come to me, Christine. The time for fear's dominion is past. Trust me. Trust yourself."  
  
*So lonely,* she thought again. The tears started to fall freely. *So afraid.*  
  
"T'hy'la, come to me."  
  
The sound of his voice speaking the old endearment broke her. A sob escaped her as she stumbled toward him. His arms caught her up. His lips kissed her hair, her cheek. She could feel his heart beating nearly as loudly as hers. "My love," his hands were everywhere and she was lost.  
  
"Spock, oh god, Spock." She found in herself all the passion she had locked away. Pushing away the fear, the anger, she kissed him back hungrily. She felt his fingers find the meld points. *T'hy'la, do you wish this?*  
  
She felt the effect that she was having on him and the effort he was making not to thrust his mind into hers. He would let her decide. *Yes,* she breathed into their next kiss. *Yes.*  
  
And he was there, everywhere inside her. Dimly aware of being picked up, being carried to the bed, Christine swam in the sensation of their bond. Spock was she; she was Spock. As he undressed her, she watched her body through his eyes. Then he was she, watching him while he undressed. As he moved back to her, moving over her body with his lips, his tongue, his hands, she felt as though their shared pleasure would burst her overstrained heart. His hands found her face again, he deepened the meld as he entered her. They moved together as one, hands clenched, lips frantically locked, bodies joined as their pleasure built and built.  
  
She heard his thoughts and she felt his mind go deeper than he had ever gone before, *Christine, I would never lose you. Never. Let me have you. Become mine. Make me yours. Bond with me, my t'hy'la.*  
  
She felt his love, his desire, and his own fear that he would lose her again. She knew her own passion for him. As they continued to move their entangled bodies, she fell before the onslaught of emotion he sent to her. *My husband,* she sent to him.  
  
Spock's mental cry of triumph was loud as he thrust deeper yet. His touch was fire on her body and on her mind. She felt the bond beginning. It was a sharing like the meld only more so. A closeness she had never dreamed. No lies, no hurts, just love and desire. The fear they had both shared, the anger she had known, the sadness, the betrayals, all still existed. But their voices were silenced in the face of this overwhelming new connection. There was only the bond. There was only the two to them, now made one.  
  
*My wife.* She heard Spock's thoughts. Then, wonderfully, his laugh as he let the bond take them both again into pleasure, to a place more intensely passionate and deeply tender than any they had ever known before.  
  
**************************************  
  
As he watched Christine, Spock felt intense satisfaction. She was his. She would not leave him again. He kissed her softly as she slept. He could feel her reaction to his light touches through the bond. As she awoke slowly he intensified his attentions.  
  
"It is nearly time to get up, my wife." He sent her a pleased smile through the bond. Then desire. She gasped as the emotions reached her.  
  
"I never realized," she whispered as he moved closer.  
  
"Nor I, t'hy'la. It is truly an amazement." He moved over her. Each of his touches brushed back to him as a faint sensation of pleasure. He reached for her face, found the points, had not even begun the bond before he felt her mind break through to his.  
  
*Did I do that?* Christine asked, excited.  
  
*It would seem the bond works both ways,* he thought to her. *Fortuitous,* he said, moving into her even as her mind sought to claim his.  
  
*Love you,* was the last coherent thought either of them shared as they explored the potential of their joining.  
  
*****************************************  
  
Later that morning, Christine woke, her back to Spock's chest. She could feel him breathing evenly in sleep. She could also sense his mind, still connected to hers in a comforting hold, but quiet now. She tentatively formed a good morning thought-kiss and sent it down the bond.  
  
An amused mind voice answered. *Good morning, Christine. You are becoming quite proficient at this.*  
  
His arms tightened around her and she luxuriated in the feeling of him pressed against him. The strain of the past seemed very far away from the love they had made here. Yet she felt her body begin to tremble, then to shake as she felt tears threaten. *What is wrong with me?* She tried to pull away from Spock.  
  
"No, Christine. You have kept this sadness hidden away for too long. It is time to let it out." His voice was a whisper in her ear as he turned her into his chest. He stroked her back as he murmured to her. "Let it go. Let me help you."  
  
His kind tone undid her. She felt the tears fall, felt her trembling increase, fought the weeping for a moment then gave in to it. All of the sadness, the grief of the past revisited her, threatened to take her over again, but the calm, tender voice of Spock fought it off. "I am here. Let it go. We will fight it together." She sobbed in his arms until she could cry no more. She knew he could feel the immensity of her pain through the bond, but he did not retreat from the display of emotions. "My love," he soothed her.  
  
After some time where they just held each other, he led her to the small shower. They cleaned each other off, sharing kisses as the water cascaded over them. She could sense his desire for her, yet he did not move to take her again. *We have patients that need us,* his thought answered her.  
  
*And a daughter to see,* she sent to him.  
  
He looked at her affectionately before responding. *Indeed.*  
  
The End. 


End file.
